Fading to Gray

96

2007-02-17T13:49:00.000-05:00

This is my 96th post since I began blogging over a year ago. And my last here. For awhile, at least.

I've grown from a timid person keeping her blog a secret, and vague, to a more experienced blogger with tons of blogs I read and comment on and tons of bloggers that comment on mine.

I'm ready for some change.

Yes, I know, my current blog layout is snazzy. I love it. And I've only had it for a mere month and a half. But I mean more of a change than that even.

I am trying Movable Type, courtesy of Diabetes Daily. And my blog name in changing. Again. My 3rd blog name stolen from a song, and my second Switchfoot titled blog. Yeah, I love the guys.

And on the new blog, I'm ready to focus on other parts of my life too. School. Family. My asthma and stomach problems. Yes, I know some of you may not even know I have those things.

I'm still never going to be the type of blogger that feels comfortable posting their whole life on the internet for all to read, but I'm ready to go past mere superficiality.

So come check out the new place: Nothing Is Sound.

I can see the potential Movable Type has, but I still have a lot to learn. So excuse the emptiness for now. And no guarantees we won't be back here soon, for posts 97+.

I really hate Fridays

2007-02-16T00:49:00.000-05:00

It's true. I do.

I get home from school at 11 on Thursdays. Yes, that's 11pm. I need to leave house by 7:15 on Fridays for class. Already math doesn't work out sleep-wise. I rarely get to bed before 1am anyways. May that never.

I then sit through boring-as-hell-irrelevant-required-class. For 3 hours. 3 hours. When I'm tired. It sucks. And the girl next to meet reeks of cigarettes leaving me nauseas and wheezy by the time we get a break. And girl asks me for weight loss tips. Please. Don't.

I proceed to work job not otherwise specified. For an hour. This part doesn't suck. It pays nicely, and fits into my schedule. But it makes me at school longer. Ah well.

Then I grocery shop. Usually at no less than 2-3 stores. I drink caffeine while doing so. I finish around 6pm. I hate grocery shoping. I hate Fridays.

But on every day of the week there is another layer. My other schedule, always grueling and unrelenting. And it frequently makes me want to give up.

Wake up.
Test.
Pill.
Asthma inhaler #1- 1 puff.
Asthma inhaler #2- 4 puffs.
Rinse Mouth.
Breakfast.
Bolus.

Test.

Test.
Lunch.
Bolus.

Test.

Test.
Pill.
Other pill.
Dinner.
Bolus.

Test.
Pill.
Other pill.
Vitamin.
Acne cream.
Inhaler 1 x 1.
Inhaler 2 x 4.
Fill out log book.
Groan at inability to log neatly if testing more than 4x a day.
Bed.

I sometimes wonder if this second routine contributes to the brutality of some days.

Skittles

2007-02-06T23:29:00.000-05:00

This post took place several weeks ago at the beginning of the semester.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Guy-Who-Crushes-On-Me greets me. My other friends do too. The professors take the stage.

I sit back in my seat and listen. Tonight is a long class. 6 hours. Professors make every indication that they intend to take up the entire time. I even take some notes. I love school, and I'm glad to be back.

Coffee break time comes and, as per my custom, I stab my finger. The drop of blood on the strip reveals a 70. Ok, a little low, but I am gonna have dinner now. I'm starved. I eat my low fat yogurt. My carrots. My string cheese. My apple. New year, new leaf diet wise. I bolus for none of it.

Back to class.

An hour passes. Then 2. My stomach cramps. I feel like I am going to get my period. But that just happened last week. And I never get it more than every 8 weeks. I do the logical thing and stab my finger again. I lean over to GWCOM, "No comments about me obsessing over diabetes, ok?" He smiles and nods. The meter counts down and reveals a 68. This isn't good. Out pop the glucose tabs. I down 4, and pray the carbohydrates I am throwing at my body kick in. This is officially Not Good.

My pump alarms. "Check BG. Your last glucose was low." It's been 20 minutes already. More cramps. I'm up to 74. My body shakes. I'm not high enough. I'm not going up fast enough. My first day of school is turning into a nightmare. I can't handle more tabs. I grab a dollar and head downstairs to the vending machine for a skittles fix. Professor-from-last-semester stops me in the hall. I try not to be a rude bitch, but some situations call for it. This is one. I call my answers to her questions to her as I walk down the stairs. I liked the professor. I feel mean. I have no choice. I'll explain later.

The vending machines have a line. I queue up in orderly fashion. I'm not that rude of a bitch. My turn comes. I pause as I try and remember how these machines I have been using for years work. I place the money in and press D9 for skittles. The skittles start their free fall to the ground where I can grab them and suck them into my mouth. They get caught. Last minute. Did I do something wrong?

I can reach them. They can't help me. I'm stuck alone with no money and a rapidly plummeting blood sugar. I'm shaking. I push my body against the machine, but my weakening body can't force the sugar down to where I can use it.

Close...but so far away. My eyes scavenge the hallways. I'm popular. I know people. And I'm open about my diabetes. There has to be someone I know. There isn't.

A tear creeps from my eye. I don't know what to do. I need help. I can't be alone right now.

I race up the stairs as fast as my spaghetti legs will carry me. I hope to see PFLS. But she's long gone. I barge back into the lecture hall. I walk in front of professor who is lecturing. I don't care. I'd say 90% of the class, and the professor who is currently lecturing know about my diabetic-status.

I climb up to my seat and without sitting down grab my wallet. I say to GWCOM, "Come with me." He gets up and walks out with me.

Without saying a word we head for the vending machines. "I have quarters, lots of them," he offers. We make it and he loads 4 quarters in the vending machine. "What do you want?"

"Skittles."

"What flavor?"

"It doesn't matter, damn it."

He makes no comments on my testy mood. He picks a number and these Skittles, too, get stuck on their way down. I feel cursed.

He yells to another guy walking down the hall, "Help me shake the machine, she needs sugar real bad."

My tears and in full force, falling to the floor faster than my skittles. The two strangers shake the machine together, and GWCOM reaches down and grabs both packets now in the bottom of the machine. He ribs one open and hands it to me. I shovel a load in my mouth. We sit down. He offers me up tissue, "It's crinkled, but clean." I accept.

"We're missing class."

"I don't care. Take your time."

We sit in silence.

"I effing hate diabetes."

"I know, no one wouldn't. But I do think you do a good job."

We sit more.

"That was a big mouth full all at once- I'm impressed you didn't gag."

We laugh. We walk back to class.

Rate My Diet

2007-02-03T21:41:00.000-05:00

I had half a chocolate bar and an entire bag of baby carrots for dinner tonight. 2 hours post-prandial? Why...that would be 108, thank you very much. Granted it's hard to judge, cause it took me an hour to eat the carrots. Maybe I needed vitamin A.

My Dream Pump

2007-01-30T12:24:00.000-05:00

Like Aiming For Grace, I'm continuously amazed at the poor design of some diabetes products. However, unlike her, I'm looking past the physical and more toward the techy details. Hey, it's the geek in me. I'm all about user friendly. So any manufacturers that happen to be reading, listen up now!

Why don't all BD 30 unit syringes have half unit markings? Why do they have boxes of syringes that have them, and boxes that don't? That's just silly. Put them on all the 30 unit syringes.

What about my Ultrasmart? It's geared at pump users in many ways, but the pump bolus only increments at 0.1 units. My pump increments at 0.05 units. Would it have been that hard to make it match a common pump bolus increment? And while I'm at it, why doesn't the Ultrasmart have a strip light? And why do they still require a whole microliter of blood, when Accu-chek, BD, Bayer, and Abbott all have meters that take less?

My own pump, the Cozmo, I love, but I have many annoyances with it. Most of these are being solved with the upgrade currently being rolled out, but some still exist. I really wish there was a good way to see data from the pump. It stores 4,000 events, but has no useful way of organizing this. I shouldn't HAVE to log, but I do have to. And the Cozmonitor adds so much bulk that I don't use it. And the case situation is a disaster. And why do pumps still us IR to communicate?

And why, please, are there no pens that can dose in half units (besides the Novopen Jr.), or even *gasp* quarter units.

This brings me to my dream pump, heavily inspired by the new Apple iPhone, and noticeably a blend of many features currently found in pumps that need improving.

I love how the iPhone is entirely controlled by a color touch screen. You could SO incorporate that into a pump. My dream pump would have a color touch screen. And the screen would have sensors, like the iPhone, that would allow it to orientate the display to the way I am holding it. The closest thing to this now is the Accu-Chek Spirit, that allows you to reverse the screen to see it either way. It currently takes a series of several button pushes to accomplish this though. The appropriate screens would display when you needed them. An on screen keyboard would let you search in the food database (which would hold a huge database, and automatically update to include new foods through the internet when you communicate with your Mac or PC or even Linux computer). And on screen number pad will display when appropriate. It will be like the layered menus of today, only they will be selected via touch. And have pretty symbols that go with it, for kids that are less literate.

It will be waterproof, though I am sure that will be a feet with a touch screen. I'm sure it could be done.

You pick your reservoir size- 100, 200, 300, or 400 units. And it will have a setting for U-400 or U-500 insulin. The reservoir will be flat, not round, and site in the back of the pump. This will let it stay thinner. A rechargeable battery would be nice. Again, not sure how this will work with the waterproof.

The pump will allow more extensive programming than currently available. Program a super bolus! Or a complex temporary rate (80% over 2 hours, then 120% for the next half hour, for example). Say you have lows overnight after exercising. Set a temp rate before bed to begin at 1am! And alarms will be customizable. There's no reason for a low reservoir alarm to go off at 2 am if I have enough to get me through the rest of the night. There's no reason to have a high volume alarm in a meeting when a vibrate would suffice, though if I have an alarm set to remind me to test at 3am, I might want the high volume then, and vibrate won't work then.

The computer software will allow all programming to be done, but also create extensive reports I can email my doctor. AND they will decide whether a blood sugar check was before or after a meal by when I gave a bolus last, NOT whether I took it at 12:00 or 12:01. Cause that's just silly, and a HUGE annoyance of mine.

Communication will be bluetooth. It will communicate via bluetooth with my computer. And the meter(s) of my choice. A small extension could snap into the data port or the strip port on the meter and allow the meters I use to communicate with my pump's bluetooth. This is good, since most people use more than 1 meter. And there will be a bluetooth remote too. And the remote will have a small LCD screen so you can program more than just a bolus with the remote. I also think it would be awesome if they could make a small pad that is a food scale that communicates via bluetooth. Parents could have one at home, one at school, and one at Grandma's. You put the plate on the pad, and add food, selecting it from the pump's food database. Then the pump recommends a bolus. Carb counting truly made easy.

The pump will be able to read things on the screen for children, people who can't see the screen, or illiterate people. In many languages. If Mom and Dad speak Spanish at home, but Mrs. School-Nurse, RN, speaks English? Not a problem!

I could probably go on all day about this. But it really seems like with the rate other technology is approaching, diabetes products are behind the days. I'd really like to see more true life pumpers help companies develop their products.

Music to my Ears

2007-01-29T14:16:00.000-05:00

This was too good to pass up. You just put your player on shuffle, and the song is the answer to the question:

What does next year have in store for me?
Cornerstone- Day of Fire

What's my love life like?
Erosion- Switchfoot

What do I say when life gets hard?
Scream- ZOEgirl (fitting, no?)

What do I think of on waking up?
Wonder Why- Avalon (yeah, pretty much)

What song will I dance to at my wedding?
Nothing Left To Show- Hawk Nelson (uhm...)

What do I want as a career?
Suspended in You- Skillet (I hope I'm not suspended from anything for my employment!)

Favorite place?
Thief- Third Day (that's a place?)

What do I think of my parents?
Forevermind- Pax217

What's my porn star name?
Screamer- Good Charlotte (ok, I did that one twice, cause the first one was way not fitting).

Where would I go on a first date?
Between You and Me- dc Talk

Drug of choice?
Better Days- Goo Goo Dolls

Describe myself
Young Grow Old- Creed

What is the thing I like doing most?
I've Always Loved You- Third Day

What is my state of mind like at the moment?
Everyday- Sonicflood

How will I die?
I've Had the Time of my Life- Dirty Dancing (works...I guess).

iConfused

2007-01-26T15:39:00.000-05:00

iPod

iCell (actually, a Motorola v180)

iPump (and many of uPump too)

I guess I don't see where the confusion lies. Did they start making purple cell phones?

Delayed Delurking Week

2007-01-19T20:30:00.000-05:00

Due to circumstances beyond my control, I have been away from the computer quite a bit lately. So please delurk here now. Just go ahead and say, "Hi" so I know that you're reading!

And the new look is in

2007-01-08T22:54:00.000-05:00

Big thanks to In Search Of Balance for providing the brains to make this happen.

So Things Look a Little Different Around Here

2007-01-07T19:23:00.000-05:00

And it's a good thing. It was time for a change. For simplicity purposes the url and feeds will stay the same.

Hopefully things will continue to change. Anyone want to tell me how to make my heading my own picture?

Year Review

2007-01-01T22:55:00.000-05:00

First sentence of every month in 2006:

January: I have seen quite a few posts recently surrounding inhaled insulin.

February: I told Kerri awhile ago I was planning a part two to this, so without further ado, here we go.

March: I was recently asked for my opinion on stem cell research.

April: Top Five.

May: I've now been pumping a few days.

June: I had a rather refreshing appointment with endo and CDE recently (isn't that nice when you leave the doctor feeling refreshed, rather than pissed off?).

July: I was in the health center at my very much so non-diabetes camp.

August: I am approaching almost 1 year with diabetes.

September: I realize my blog may be a tad on the serious side lately, so time for something fun!

October: This is what I was thinking about while I was trying to fall asleep last night.

November: So Ms. Noncompliant Diabetic Allison tagged me.

December:Unfortunately, the end of the semester and all the accompanying business has forced me on my own little blogging hiatus.

Really strange how much this makes me realize how much as happened this year.

Free

2006-12-31T00:28:00.000-05:00

Set Me Free
by Casting Crowns

It hasn't always been this way
I remember brighter days
Before the dark ones came
Stole my mind
Wrapped my soul in chains

Now I live among the dead
Fighting voices in my head
Hoping someone hears me crying in the night
And carries me away

Chorus:
Set me free of the chains holding me
Is anybody out there hearing me?
Set me free

Morning breaks another day
Finds me crying in the rain
All alone with my demons I am
Who is this man that comes my way?
The dark ones shriek
They scream His name
Is this the One they say will set the captives free?
Jesus, rescue me

Chorus

As the God man passes by
He looks straight through my eyes
The darkness cannot hide

Chorus 2:
Do you want to be free?
Lift your chains
I hold the key
All Power on Heaven and earth belong to me
(Repeat)

You are free
You are free
You are free

afraid

2006-12-29T23:00:00.000-05:00

This post is solely a post for me to try and get my thoughts straight. It's not me being an attention whore, or looking for sympathy, and certainly not looking for criticism. I just need to get my thoughts down and out. I considered doing this in my personal paper journal, but decided to do it publicly instead, because I know I am not the only one dealing with this.

I have food issues. I have for years, to a degree, but the diabetes seemed to push it to the fore front last year. And I ignored it. And I pushed it away, staying strong. I never got into anything deeply, it was mostly just experimenting. It started with me realizing if I was upset about something, I could "let" myself throw up without even trying too hardly. And I let myself a few times. Trust me, not much. And I realized it took my mind off whatever I was upset about, and refocused my attention. My denial of having diabetes caused it to spin toward skipping insulin, fueling both my "food issues" and my denial issues. I would stop when I hit 400 and felt like shit, and often over correct, spinning me on a roller coaster for days. And then I catapulted into trying some of dad's lasix to see how much weight I could lose before a doctor's appointment. And it worked. But I promised myself I didn't have an eating disorder, and pushed it to the back of my mind. I wouldn't have an eating disorder until I was underweight.

So I moved on, and the issue laid dormant for awhile. But the holidays brought it back again. I felt fat after Christmas. And I can honestly say I didn't eat much, if any, more than usual. But I feel fat. And ad after ad for weight lose plans and diets and health clubs isn't helping. And I let myself throw up last night. And I let my pump get occluded and didn't deal with it, thus letting my blood sugar get high.

I know all the issues are related to an eating disorder of sorts. And I have learned about eating disorders, and I see all the signs in myself. And I saw myself heading for one. But I can't seem to stop the spiral. And I'm honestly at a point where I am not sure I want to. Because being healthy isn't my biggest priority right now. I have these thoughts that maybe if I was thinner, I would have more friends, or a boyfriend, or damnit, even better grades. And it's insane, I know. I feel like I can't even like myself unless I am thinner. And I know all this sounds major depressing, but I feel like it's not that bad.

And I don't even know how to get help. I mentioned it to my primary care doctor, and got the response, "You're not exactly wasting away." I have sense found a new pcp. I tried to talk to my pastor about it, and he blew me off, not exactly helping the self esteem issues I am. I tried to talk to my parents, and they told me that an eating disorder should be the least of my concerns. And it's hard for me to ask for help to begin with, cause damn, I feel too fat to ask for help. Only skinny people get eating disorders, and that's not me.

I don't know where to turn. I even feel like asking for help will make me weaker and more susceptible to it. If I ask for help, it will mean I really have something wrong, and it will mean I can therefore act more on what is wrong. And I can honestly say that I have not been acting on a lot of these feelings. And I'm not even sure posting this on the internet is a great idea, so who knows, it may be gone later.

I also feel like asking for help would be anti-Christian. As a Christian, I feel like God should be the only support I need. And that God loves me for who I am, so I should love me for who I am. And that God made me the way I am, so I should love how I look, because I am "fearfully and wonderfully made." But I still want to lose weight. And I could stand to lose some, but I want to do it healthfully, and every time I try, I get pushed in to negative things. I feel like religion should be helping me, but it's hindering me here. And I hate that.

The funny thing is, up until recently, I felt like all these thoughts were normal. Now it's striking me that people can be discontent with their weight and not feel the need to go make themselves puke.

I'm afraid for things I am too afraid to admit.

Holiday Fun Doesn't Have To Be Over Yet

2006-12-26T16:39:00.000-05:00

aka, how I waste my time.

I was browsing www.miniclip.com the other day. They have lots of fun stuff. I thought I would share my two new favorite holiday games with you.

Snowline

And Snowday.

And a non-winterish one too. Feather Keeper. My apologies to dial up users.

And as a final bolus, a random thought. Now that Google owns Blogger, can we expect a name change to Bloogle?

Merry Christmas!

2006-12-24T20:16:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas to everyone!

In the Holiday Spirit

2006-12-23T00:18:00.000-05:00

Another MeMe from Kerri.

2006 Year End Top Five

1. Top Five Resolutions for 2007
1. Keep logging blood sugars
2. Get some real, live basal testing done.
3. Keep my GPA up
4. Get a summer internship
5. Learn to snowboard

2. Top Five Albums/Songs You're Embarrassed to Admit Loving
This is hard, cause while I love a lot of albums, I'm generally not embarrassed by my music choices.

1. Not an album, but rather an artist- Ashley Simpson
2. "This is Your Time" by Michael W. Smith. I didn't used to be embarrassed to admit this, then I realized someone who's taste I generally can't stand likes him. My how things change.
3. Not an album, a song, but I like "Go Diego Go" from that tv show Diego's in who's name I can't recall, but it's NOT Dora the Explorer, but some other show. Is the name actually "Go Diego Go?"
4. On the same note, I like Veggie Tales songs/albums.
5. Duron Duron, "Astronaut" And I know I'm not the only one.

Now I'm..uhm..embarrassed.

3. Top Five Fictional People You'd Like to Ride in a Hot Air Balloon With
1. Mickey Mouse
2. Captain Crunch- hey, he's a captain!
3. Winnie the Pooh- he could get some honey
4. Alice, from Alice in Wonderland
5. Nemo, cause he's just cool

And the bonus question: Who's your favorite reindeer of the bunch?
Comet. Just because.

Tagged!

2006-12-21T15:31:00.000-05:00

Bettercell tagged me to share my top 5 holiday tunes. So here is goes.

5. Sleigh Ride- this was done at every Christmas concert I was in in high school. We did it wonderfully every year, and alumni were allowed to preform with us if they so wished.

4. o Holy Night- another favorite of mine

3. The Little Drummer Boy- we have a music box that plays this, and it's always been a favorite holiday trinket of mine

2. Carol of the Bells

1. Christmas Eve Sarejevo- I love the Tran Siberian Orchestra! And yes, I know this is similar to Carol of the Bells, but it sounds different enough in my opinion.

Another Comment Turned Whole Entry

2006-12-20T08:17:00.000-05:00

Thanks everyone for your suggestions with the insurance situation. We are on a PPO plan. I finally got it worked out. Lancets, strips in whatever quantity Dr. Endo can convince them I need (currently 800/90 days), and insulin is Medco, and pump supplies is DME, which means they are adjusting my claims. Yay! Confusing part is, I could get insulin through BCBS I suppose, instead of Medco, but at a slightly higher copay.

As much as I have blogged before about the annoyances of my parents, they really do support me sometimes. My dad said to me, "I would refinance the house and beg for money before I let you get sick because this stuff is so darned expensive." Luckily, it hasn't come to that yet. Nor will it.

True Story Conversation with my Insurance Company

2006-12-18T11:30:00.000-05:00

*ring* *ring* *ring*

*Automated Voice*

*Crappy Elevator Hold Music*

Insurance Company: "Hello my name is So and So. You're being recorded for quality assurance purposes. May I have your ID number, name, address, and phone number?"

Me: *gives her the info*

IC: "And how may I help you today?"

Me: "I would like to know what my coverage for insulin pump supplies is."

IC: "Insulin is covered under your prescription plan, please contact Medco."

Me: "Not the insulin, the supplies for the pump that delivers the insulin."

IC: "Is that for diabetes?"

Me: "Yes."

IC: "I see. For diabetes supplies, OneTouch and Accu-chek are our preferred brands."

Me: "That's for strips. I want to know what my copay is for pump supplies."

IC: "I see that your copay for test strips is $15."

Me: "NOT test strips. PUMP supplies...cartridges, infusion sets, stuff like that."

Her: "I'll have to call you back on that."

*click*

___________________________________

And that was over a week ago. Still no call back. And now I need to call again. Wish me luck. I can't be their only pumper, can I?

Current Temp

2006-12-08T01:33:00.001-05:00

Currently: 13 degrees F
Feels like: -4F

Brrr...

Silly Me

2006-12-07T01:54:00.000-05:00

Unfortunately, the end of the semester and all the accompanying business has forced me on my own little blogging hiatus. And then I realized I totally miss checking for comments on my blog and such, though I have still immensely enjoyed reading all the other blogs and commenting. I digress however. I miss blogging. So a short, somewhat meaningless post in which I share my utter stupidity.

Has anyone else ever done this before?

Scenario: I have a perfectly good set. The kind you can't feel. I'm tired, and it's shower time. I hope in hot water, and enjoy letting it relax my body. And I soap up. And the soap meets resistance. Yep, that would be my perfectly good set I couldn't feel, now perfectly clogged with soap. Cause I didn't watch where I washed. And now I need to change it. But the old one smells like Dove at least.

And I wouldn't feel as stupid if this wasn't my second time doing it. Next time, I shall stick with loofahs.

Diabetic Society

2006-11-18T01:30:00.000-05:00

I walk down the hall, and alas, I see a clip on someone's pocket, and the familiar tubing sneaking up under her shirt. Another pumper. We stop, and talk. I've never met her before, but we chat for almost an hour. And not just about diabetes, either. We had something in common, and clicked.

Every time I meet someone with diabetes, it's like "insta-friend." Here at the OC we come from all different walks of life, all different ages, races, sexual orientations, geographic location, professions, etc. We're different. Yet, we all get along. Because that common bond unites us.

I just finished reading my third book about diabetes I have read this year. Every month, magazines from 2 different publishers reach my mailbox, both about diabetes. Any drug store has rows of product devoted to us. And there are now FIVE companies that sell pumps in the US. You can do a google image search for "diabetes" and find pictures about us. We have our own websites. We have our own camps. Some profit-savvy food manufacturers have even attempted lines of food devoted to us. We have our own language (bolus, basal, carb ratio, ISF, bg- these are not words most people use everyday).

Compliments of Wikipedia, the definition of society:

"A society is a group of human beings distinguishable from other groups by mutual interests, characteristic relationships, shared institutions and a common culture."

When I traveled across the globe, I met another American. He was from a different part of the US than I, and also older. But we talked. Because we were part of the same society.

And that's how it was when I met another pumper. And how it is at the OC. We are a society within a society, a culture unto ourselves.

Just When I Felt Like I Needed Something to Post

2006-11-17T18:08:00.000-05:00

Another MeMe comes and saves the day:

Three Things I Do Every Day:Eat, Check e-mail (ok, everyday when I'm home), test my blood sugar (I know, how original, like, everyone posted this one, but it's true).

Three Things I Wish I Could Do Every Day:Get 8+ hours of sleep, get all the homework I need to get done done, do something fun.

Three Hopes I Have for Today:
That the tacos for dinner turn out well, that I get to talk to someone I have been wanting to talk to for awhile, that my site that's rather sore makes it through one more day.

Three Things I Hear:
Computer fan (and keys clicking), dog barking somewhere done the street, a car passing by

Three Ways I Have Changed my Life:
Went on a pump, went to college, became a Christian

Three People I Wish I Could See Again:
my friend Jess (she's still around, just moved far away), my grandpa, my counselor from camp from years ago

Three Items I Wish I Owned:
an ipod, a snowboard, a smaller laptop

Three Wishes I Had When I Was Young:
to go to outer space, to be royalty, to be a doctor

Three Fears I Have:
Getting in a car (or any other vehicle for that matter) accident, losing health insurance, a bad low or a bad asthma attack

Three Things on My Desk:
Clock, pens, glucose meter

Three Thoughts in My Mind:
I'm hungry and thirsty, I have yet another paper due this week, I'm sick of the rain

The OC Makes Me All Warm and Fuzzy Inside

2006-11-09T15:53:00.000-05:00

Reading all these posts today has had my laughing, crying, and just smiling at the unity we all share. It leaves me feeling encouraged, and not alone. Bravo everyone.

Diabetes Blog Day

2006-11-08T23:57:00.000-05:00

I'm getting a jump on this now, because I know later today I won't have the time nor memory to post, yet I very much want to be a part of this day.

It's hard for me to know what to post. I don't know what I am suppose to post. It's hard for me to say what diabetes means to me, because even though it is a condition I live with daily, it's not a static emotional state. I feel differently about diabetes everyday. Sometimes I feel like I hate it, and just want it gone. Other times I feel like it's so much ingrained in me I wouldn't exist without it. And sometimes I just feel like any other person.

When I think about what diabetes means to me, all the emotions that flooded me at diagnosis storm back to haunt me. Because really, I go through mini versions of these emotions daily.

I felt scared then. Scared for my future. Scared for what would come of me. Scared at all the information I had to learn. I feel scared daily when I go low, or realize I low will come due to a blood sugar of 80 and 4 units on board. I still feel scared for my future sometimes too.

I was mad then. And I feel anger at some point daily, though usually only momentarily.

I felt dread over the first injections and finger pokes, and still dread site changes, though less with each site change.

And yet I also felt excited at the opportunity to get better.

Diabetes hasn't been the end of my world. But I still get teary eyes and emotional when I see this, or read this, or this.

Diabetes is a day to day effort, and each day is a new day. And I continue to hope for all people with diabetes that some day will be a new day without insulin and finger pokes or the fear or reality of complications.

Cell Phone Case Pics

2006-11-07T14:43:00.000-05:00

Empty case

Note the nice, smooth, slim, non-pokey clip. And it rotates 360 degrees.

It's a little snug with the cozmonitor, perfect without.

Magnetic closure thingy.

And still pretty slim.

I've become convinced medical companies should hire non-medical companies to design stuff for wearing medical things.

Apparently I've Been Tagged

2006-11-06T22:33:00.000-05:00

So Ms. Noncompliant Diabetic Allison tagged me. So now I have to share 5 random facts.

1. I bought a cell phone case to fit my pump plus cozmonitor toady. I finally have a case I am satisfied with that holds the Cozmo with the Cozmonitor attached. And is non-pokey. And it was on sale for $4.99. I'm happy.

2. I stink at killing time. I can spend hours on a computer at home, but if I am in the school computer lab trying to kill time, I can't do it. I have to go drive around for kicks or something. And it wastes gas. And probably kills trees too. Or something like that.

3. I have two printers that I use on this computer. They are both all in one machines. One is a Dell brand, one a Lexmark. Each one will work for about 6 months to a year, then die. Then we use the other one. That works for awhile, then dies. And then the other one starts working. We have done this cycle something like three times. My dad says they need "paid vacation." Apparently the National Printer Union (NPU) was on holiday when that contract was signed.

4. I didn't sign up for November post a day month because I could never think of something profound, meaningful, or even silly or nonsensical to write everyday for thirty days. And because I didn't find out about it till yesterday, and by then it was too late. Mostly because I didn't find out till yesterday.

5. I love music. I have played 5 instruments at various points in my life. I also love listening to music. When I listen to music, I pick one song, listen to it ad nauseum, then pick a new favorite song, and can't stand my previous favorite song for awhile. Then when I hear a past favorite song on the radio sometime in the distant future, it brings back memories.

Bonus!
6. I had to try spelling distant 6 times in my previous point before I got it right. Yay Firefox 2.0's spell checker.

I have no clue who was tagged and who wasn't. Please post if you haven't been tagged yet! I don't be offended I didn't point you out personally, because it was merely due to the inability of my small brain to comprehend the mushroom effect of these tag games.

It's Too Bad Kerri's Not Here To See This

2006-10-30T12:03:00.000-05:00

Anyone else happen to notice who's on the Yahoo! homepage?

Makes me think of the OC every time.

I am NOT a Doctor

2006-10-28T00:31:00.000-05:00

Well there ya have it folks. In case there was any doubt, I am officially out of the closet: I am NOT a doctor (yet at least). And that was a fact I was reminded of today.

I was talking to an ~~idiot~~ person today. And while yesterday you had the unique opportunity to go into my thoughts, I promised return visits another boring entry, and here you have it. Today you have a unique opportunity to listen in on a conversation I had. And while many PWDs have shared my thoughts, unfortunately, many PWDs have also shared a conversation along these lines.

Apparently Non-Idiot Other Person: "My friend has type 1 and doesn't have to take insulin."
Me: "Your friend must not have type 1 then."
ANIOP: "Yeah he does. The insulin made him sick. So he stopped and went on a diet"
Me: "Your friend has type 2 otherwise he would be dead."
ANIOP: "Nope, been doing it for 5 years."
Me: "There is no way your friend has type 1 diabetes"
ANIOP: "How would you know?!?"
Me: "Insulin is vital to life. In type 1 diabetes the pancreas ceases making insulin, therefore injected insulin is necessary for life."
ANIOP: "I know that"
Me: "Then what's your reasoning to how said friend can survive?"
ANIOP: "His doctor said he could"
Me: "Right..."
ANIOP: "Well he went to school and you didn't. You're NOT a doctor!"

Well there you have it folks. I'm not a doctor, apparently I just know more than some doctors. Either that, or this person just understood what the doctor said as well as he understood what I said.

Legal Disclaimer: I'm not a doctor, I just play one online.

Diabetes Thoughts

2006-10-27T00:34:00.000-05:00

A unique view into my head at the moment. A scary place, but one I will let you visit none the less. If you have diabetes (which I think most of you who read this do), this may not be so unique. In which case, come along for an exceedingly boring visit.

Is it too soon to change my reservoir when it says I have 1.8 units left and it has been alarming for the last 10 hours or so?

How does one count carbs when one has been munching on and off for the last half hour on those yummy honey barbecue pretzel bites?

How long has this site been in? I can't remember, so we'll say I put it in yesterday.

Am I high or thirsty? We won't know till I have to go upstairs for something other than a meter.

How come I can keep track of 1 cell phone, but my 3 meters always seem to be inconveniently located?

Is using diabetes as an excuse for eating a chocolate bar in a class when eating is generally banned okay? What if my bs is sitting at a comfy 98 and I'm just hungry?

And this has been Random Thoughts....tune back next time for another likely boring entry.

Bad Habits

2006-10-12T10:34:00.000-05:00

I stink at logging. I was hoping the pump would solve this problem, allowing me to simply upload nad have beautiful logs to take to my endo. I was sorely disappointed when I saw that the CozManager does nothing like that, rather, I can get a list of everything happening. What the heck does that do for me? Nada.

I discovered the CoPilot, despite recalls preventing it from being used (for over a year- how long does it take to fix a bug?), I still used it. And it was...interesting. I finally got statistics, and that was fun. The insulin use charts showed me where I was doing a lot of corrections, but the log has crap all over it saying stuff like "imported from cozmanager" next to every bolus or bg level, making for a cluttered piece of mess. And the program decides if a bg was before or after a meal based on time of day. That's perfect if you eat at the same time everyday. I don't. That's why I pump. Why can't it figure out when you ate based on when the bolus was given, not time?

So I am back into an excel chart. I like it, I just need to keep up with it. Then hopefully I will have some good info to show my endo.

And I am realizing something- I have a lot of bad habits going on here.

My tests fall in no particular order. I seem to have gotten into a habit of just testing when I feel like it. This results in maybe 3 hours I tested every hour, then gaps of 5 hours without testing. Yeah, I get at least 6 tests in a day, but do they really tell me anything? I need to be testing before meals and two hours after if I really want to see how things are going.

Which brings my to my next bad habbit. I am a grazer. I eat what I want, when I feel like it. Yesterday I ate 196 grams of carbs for the day. Not bad. Except I didn't eat till 11, then ate around 11, 12, 1, and 2, about 20 grams each time. Then I didn't eat again till 7. Then I ate at 7, 8, and 10. Who the heck follows that kind of eating schedule? It can't be healthy. And the grazing results in a higher A1c according to Gary Scheiner in Think Like a Pancreas.

Allow me to break here to share something that annoys me with my pump, but yet I have no clue how it would be fixed. My bs is 77 right now. I'm cool with that. But I want to throw a load of clothes in and take a shower before I eat. I can do that, since I don't plan on dropping much lower. But it will be an hour before I eat likely. I enter my bg in my pump, so I know it's there and can upload it, see info in Copilot, and reference it when filling in my Excel sheet. But in an hour when I eat, I want my bolus reduced for that 77. I can enter the bg again when I bolus, but then that skews my testing averages. I guess I'd like the pump to offer the option to use the last taken bg as a correction (even if it was more than 10 minutes ago), or enter another bg then. What I do now is just cut about 10 grams of carb off the bolus to raise my bg a little.

So if I really want to see if my meal boluses are working, I need to both log, eat real meals, and test appropriately.

I like to think diabetes doesn't play a huge role in my life, and with pumping, it doesn't, but it does in this sense.

Sometimes

2006-10-04T00:41:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I think back to the days before insulin. I think about parents watching their kids waste away. I think about the crazy diets and the outrageous drinking plans designed to slow an inevitable death.

Then I think about the 20 units I waste every three days, just thrown out with my tubing. Or more frequently, if I see bubbles in my tubing. Or the insulin bottles I throw out that are "almost" empty. Or the almost full bottle of Lantus I threw out a few days ago because it's been open since April- when I started the pump, and is probably about as useful as saline now in lower blood sugars.

I think about the fact that my doctor prescribes 6 bottles of Novolog as a three month supply, even though 4 would likely suffice. "Just in case!" she declared, when I told her 6 was in excess of my needs.

I think about how much good this insulin would have done back in 1920. The amount of insulin I waste in a week could have saved a few people back in 1920.

And I realize, I have come to take for granted the hormone my life depends on. Then I see visions of Katrina, and it's aftermath. And I shutter.

But I only think about this sometimes. Because the fact remains that while a complex genetic process can use bacteria or yeast to grow virtually unlimited amounts of a slightly genetically altered form of a hormone my own body faithfully made up until last year, there is no way to go back 86 years and help the prior suffers.

And this gives me new hope for the continued improvements in diabetes care I have yet to see. But in the mean time, I shall appreciate that piece of plastic technological wonder glued to my waist just a little more.

"It eluded us then, but that's no matter -- tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther. ... And one fine morning ---- So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."

Off Topic Question for Parents of PWDs

2006-10-03T08:58:00.000-05:00

This is what I was thinking about while I was trying to fall asleep last night. Don't ask me why. Lol. So maybe you can put my mind at ease now.

I know some of you have kids that were dx'ed before they were old enough to do their own shots. And I know some of your kids were also put on a pump before they were old enough to inject by themselves. However, knowing how to inject is an important skill for someone with diabetes to have. So how are your kids gonna learn how to do it? Are you just going to teach them sometime their pump fails, and hope you are there when it happens? I just picture some kid in a college dorm or something never having learned how to inject with a dead pump. I dunno...I'm paranoid.

2006-09-28T23:41:00.000-05:00

I pulled up to the stop light. It was 7pm. Around the time I expected to get home, though two hours earlier than I was scheduled to get home.

I had just done well at school. Really well on the testing I did that day.

That sky was a weird mixture of passing rain clouds and setting sun. I would best describe it as "pretty."

One of my fave bands, Casting Crowns, was playing on the radio.

The streets were a friendly-sorta-busy, and some kids rode their bikes on the side walks.

It struck me that I truly am happy with my life and the direction it was going. And I felt peace.

I stood at the red light waiting for it to change. But I wasn't in a hurry. I was content.

The red lights on the progressing blocks blurred together as my vision blurred, deep in thought.

I thought about how good I felt at the moment. And how happy I was. And I thought about how I would never remember the moment, or the cool sky, or the blurring stop lights. But I hoped I would remember how I felt.

Then I tried to think about how I felt at that moment the year before.

Scared probably. I was sick and I knew it. And the next day I was going to the doctor to talk about it, knowing exactly what she would tell me, but not caring, just hoping she would fix me.

I don't remember much about Sept 28, 2005. I don't know what I did. I don't know what the day of the week was. But it was my last day not having diabetes.

In Which I Can't Keep My Priorities Straight

2006-09-25T00:29:00.000-05:00

I have a love/hate relationship with school. I love being there. I love the people I go to school with. I love my professors and their real-life anecdotes about the career I am going into. I love listening to their experiences. I love my campus. I love seeing the statues on campus covered with leaves or snow or surrounded by flowers depending on the season. I love that being a full time student allows me to have insurance coverage without the burden of a full time job.

Yet I hate the new stress each semester brings. I hate craming for a test, or rushing to get a paper done. I hate studying, bluntly, and I hate some of the competition for grades. I hate that as soon as one assignment is done the next creeps up. I hate that my parents accuse me of craming, when I have no choice but to have two days to study for one exam, since there was another one I was studying for two weeks ago. I hate that I spent $7 on index cards today to appease Ms. Anal. And I hate that Office Max only sells certain sizes of cards in packs of 300. I hate that I need to redo some of said cards because they did not meet Ms. Anal's approval.

This semester is overwhelming me. And for no particular reason. It's no more hectic or busy than other semesters, and the material interests me. If I stay on top of things, I should be able to achieve a very satisfactory GPA.

Yet I am overwhelmed.

Having many assignments looming over my head stresses me. I know it does. In HS I could avoid this by merely not procrasinating. In college, all my assignment due dates are laid out for me on the first day of the semester. I hate syllabi.

I have a planner, and all due dates are labelled in my planner. It keeps me somewhat sane.

But my fear of assignments hanging over my head leads me to an interesting predicament. I do things I think I can do first. And as a result, I have assignments that are due in December or November done. But I don't feel ready for the exam I have tomorrow. *sigh*

But in the midst of all this stress, one thing has helped me keep things in perspective- the blog Beanie Baby has led me to read- Annika's story. You may notice the new button to the right this reading as result in me adding. Go ahead. Click it. I think it works. If you want the whole story, go through all the reading detailed here. It took me a few days to complete, but I am glad I did.

I am living with a major chronic illness. But I can control my circumstances. I may be fraustrated with college, but I am lucky that I can go to college. And I will have the chance to work after college.

Another MeMe

2006-09-20T00:37:00.000-05:00

Stolen from Julia.

1. If you make sweet tea, or your favorite style, do you use Luzianne, Lipton or something else?
I don't make tea. For real. If I do, it's herbal. And it's Lipton.

2. What brand of toilet paper do you buy and is it the larger rolls or regular?
We buy whatever brand is on sale- the really big ones, so we never have to change them. Or at least we don't have to change themn everyday.

3. Which brand of bath soap do you use? Body wash or bar?
I use body wash. Currently using Curess.

4. What cereal do you buy for yourself?
Yum, frosted shredded wheat!

5. What brand of dishwasher detergent do you use? Liquid or tablets?
I have no idea. That's what moms are for. (*loses points with any moms reading*)

6. What’s your favorite fruit?
PEACHES! I LOVE peaches!

7. Which brand of laundry detergent do you use?
See #5. But actually, I know we use All Small and Mighty, cause I bought it last time. (*redems some brownie points back with the mom's reading*)

8. Do you like chocolate?
Uhm, yeah. That's why God invented boluses, right?

9. Are you right or left-handed?
Right

10. Do you still write checks or use a debit card?
Plastic baby!

Questioning

2006-09-06T09:25:00.000-05:00

Dear Medco-
Do you not realize I am dependant on your for my meds? It's insulin, I know it's expensive, but it's not like I want to use it either. It's insulin, something your pancreas probably (I'm not going to make assumptions here) makes the correct amount of daily without you giving it a second thought. It's insulin, and I need it damn it, please ship it already. And my test strips too. So I am not just randomly guessing amounts to take.

Dear Dr. Endo-
In the future, will you please so kindly spell out how much insulin to give me to Medco, so we can avoid this. I know you realize I wear a pump. And I know you realize that means I don't have set doses, or use the same amount everyday, but please, just make something up so they will ship me my insulin!

Dear Ms. P
Why, oh why does your assignment call for 2 4x6 index cards and 2 5x8 index cards? This means I have to go buy 2 packs of cards so I can use 2 cards out of each. Why couldn't I just buy 1 pack of 5x8 and use 4 cards out of it?

Dear OC Members-
Why aren't you commenting? Do you still read? My comments section is getting lonely.

I'm Pundit!

2006-09-03T16:41:00.000-05:00

I realize my blog may be a tad on the serious side lately, so time for something fun!

You Are a Pundit Blogger!

Your blog is smart, insightful, and always a quality read.
Truly appreciated by many, surpassed by only a few

What Kind of Blogger Are You?

I'm pundit, eh? There's a word a don't use everyday. And talk about a nice self esteem boast! Lol, too bad random-blogthing-generator can't actually read my blog to judge for itself.

Can't wait to see what you fellow bloogerites get!

Sacrifice

2006-08-29T01:32:00.000-05:00

After a summer of giving up my Cozmonitor in favor of having a fully waterproof pump (handy for that occassional splash with the hose, unplanned canoe trip, surprising water balloon, or irresitable desire to swim) and using my handy new holster clip, I decided to reattach it tonight.

Tonight found me asking for the seventeen billionith time where my meter was. Backpack? Desk? Purse? Car? I have two flashes and a normal freestyle. And my dad has a Flash (given to him after a diagnosis of pre-diabetes) that feels very abadoned, especially compared to it's sister, owned by moi. I have meters. But it never seems to be enough.

The idea of just carrying strips appeals. Especially since I will have 16 bottles of strips thanks to my ~~fraustrating as hell~~ convienant mail order company. So I can keep strips anywhere I want. As long as I don't use more than 10 per day on a regular basis. And lancing devices- oh lancing devices. They are more plentiful at my house than ants at a picnic. When packing my backpack for back to school, two BD lancing devices fell out. My freestyle lancing device cracked once. So the company sent me not one, but two to replace it. Just in case. And everytime I ever needed a company to replace a meter, I seemed to get a new lancing device too. And in case that isn't enough, it seems like I could just call and ask and probably get three. And don't even get me started on lancets! My doctor seemed to be under the impression I use one lancet per strip when writing my script. Not so. And I use the Multiclix now, so to make matters worse, those lancets can't be filled for an even 100. So everytime I order a 3 month supply, I get 816 lancets. Oy.

But I digress. I reattached my Cozmonitor, and my, it's convienant. I love this pump. But dear Smiths- please make a holster case the fits the pump and meter already!

Nothing is Sound

2006-08-26T17:52:00.000-05:00

I lay on my metal bunk, on top of a fleece blanket. My mp3 player delivered Switchfoot into the earbuds in my ears. My pump delivered insulin into the infusion set in my abdomen. It was hot. It was stinkin' hot. And I was feeling it. My headached and my arms sweat in the 95 degree whether. And there was no escape. Just me, all alone, in a stinkin' hot cabin.

Everyone dies

Is diabetes going to kill me?

Everyone loves a fight

Actually, I am sick of fighting, thank you very much.

Nothing is sound
Nothing is right side right

Nothing is sound. That's for sure. Otherwise I wouldn't have diabetes. I used to think that having hypoglycemia as a kid was a get-out-of-diabetes-free card. Your blood sugar couldn't be low and high, could it? And besides, I had enough other health crap to deal with. And I was just getting used to that. Surely this counted for something with God? How could I get diabetes?

Evening comes, when the sun goes down in red
Nothing is cool

Is this day over yet? Nothing is cool? That's for sure!

When will all the fighting end
When will all the fighting end

Not soon enough! Wait...when I die, I guess. I don't want the fighting to end then...

Happy is a yuppie word

Yuppies get sick too though

Nothing in the world could fail me now

Except my pancreas

It's empty as an argument
I'm running down a life that won't cash out (cash out)

Everything fails
Everything runs it's course

Where is this course running to? I don't get it God!

A time and a place, for all of this loving war
Everyone buys, everyone's gotta price, and nothing is new

No, this is all new! New, and stinkin' scary! But I guess this is my time and place.

When will all the failures rise
When will all the failures rise, rise!

I stick my finger and watch the meter as the number 272 appears on the screen. I feel like a failure. My head pounds.

Happy is a yuppie word
Blessed is the man who's lost it all
Happy is a yuppie word (word)

I haven't lost it all. Not even close. In fact, diabetes has caused me to loose less than first expected.

Looking for an orphanage
I'm looking for a bridge I can't burn down
I don't believe the emptiness
I'm looking for the kingdom coming down
Everything is meaningless
I want more than simple cash can buy
Nothing is sound

Cash can't buy me, or anyone else, a cure. It can't prevent anyone from having diabetes, nor can it stop anyone from having diabetes. No one is guranteed not to get a disease, because life has no gurantees. But has my first year of living with diabetes approches, it hasn't been empty or meaningless.

Got it!

2006-08-26T01:14:00.000-05:00

I finally got my shipment from Medco! Wonders never cease.

In other words, not too much is going on, so sorry for the dry spell.

I will say right now that school is starting, and I can't make promises as to the frequency (or quality!) of posts from now on.

Disappointing

2006-08-21T17:09:00.000-05:00

I got one of my pharmacology books in the mail today. What I always do with new medical textbooks is look up the sections on diabetes and insulin. This book has a lot on insulin, but the content is strangly disappointing.

The section on dosing insulin focuses a lot on mixing insulin. It also mentions Humalog and Lantus as the 2 newest types of insulin. This book was published in 2004, so I realize Apidra and Levemir weren't out yet, but Novolog was. And while it mentions Lantus, it fails to mention Lantus can't be mixed with other insulins. It also shows pictures of pork and bovine insulin, and L and UL- none of which are used in the US anymore. It says Lantus is only availible in a pen. Not only is that not true, but the Lantus pen is new since this book was published!

It doesn't mention a thing about dosing insulin on carbs or blood sugars, only set doses (ie, give 25 units with dinner). It doesn't even mention sliding scales. It does however say that premixed insulins are "popular for the client with diabetes." Oh yes, everyone loves those mixes!

The book continues to say that Humalin is the only brand of Human insulin (has anyone informed Novo Nordisk of this?). It mentions Exubra but calls it an "inranasal insulin." Nope, I have never seen it being squirted up peoples noses.

it has three paragraphs on pumping, which is a tri-fold improvement over last year's nursing book. In those three paragraphs they manage to say that implanted pumps are availible (where?), that R is the only type of insulin used in pumps, and that testing once daily is a minimum when on the pump. ONCE DAILY?!?! Don't tell my insurance. I will give the book credit for explaining basal/bolus use in the pump, and saying a huge advantage is multiple basal rates. But still... It shows a picture of a MiniMed 508.

So, next time you are in the hospital, and wondering how the hell they manage to keep any diabetic alive. Don't blame the nurses- blame the textbooks.

My Own Personal Medco Rant

2006-08-19T09:25:00.000-05:00

Katherine is not the only one having problems with Medco. I sent in a few prescriptions to be filled 3 weeks ago. Yes, 3 weeks, as in 21 days, as in almost a month. And they haven't even shipped yet. Talk about ridiculous!

So, I decided to call today. And they inform me my medication hasn't shipped yet because they need to call the doctor and "comfirm" that this is the medication I need. That gets a big fat "What the heck?" in my book. I mean, isn't that what a prescription is for? Stating I need a certain medication?

So I ask what the hold up is. And after much prying, am told there is a medication availible in generic they would like to substitue. I'm fine with generics. Said medication doesn't have a generic though. They want to totally change what medication I am taking so I can take a generic. I told them this is unacceptable, just send me my non-generic-medication-with-the-higher-copay. They told me I they need to hear that from the doctor.

Ok, so fine, call my doctor. But does it take 3 weeks to get ahold of my doctor? They say they have been calling for 5 days now. Yeah right. On a daily basis too, they say.

So meanwhile, I go trick-or-treating at my friendly specialists' and GP's offices for sample packs. But I am almost out of those too.

So I ask my dear Medco CSR what her suggestion is. Her idea? Get a weeks worth of medication at local pharmacy. Fantastic! "What will my co-pay be for that?" asks Megan. She has no idea. Then she tells me it will be the same as a 1 month copay. Deal or No Deal? No Deal. I tell her if I am gonna get it filled at a local pharmacy, I am getting as much as I can. And I tell her that This is unacceptable customer service. And that they still better shipped my 3 month supply!

I asked to speak to the pharmacist 3 times, was placed on hold once so they could "transfer" me, and still never managed to speak to a pharmacist at any point in time.

Then, I proceed into a less-than-eloquent tirad on how I realize this is just a business for them, but to me, this is my health we are talking about.

My only hope is that they indeed recorded the conversation and that some exec will listen to it.

A Post I Hesitate to Write

2006-08-16T19:33:00.000-05:00

I guess I need to start this post off with a disclaimer. The experiences mentioned in this entry are true, but they are not necessarily typical. I write this not to scare anyone, but simply to get things off my own chest. I can easily see people freaking out over this, but I urge you to remain sane.

In a D chat room I belong to, a member died in his sleep last night due to hypoglycemia. It scares the crap out of me. He was a pumper. And it reminds me of the need for constant vigilince. You can't slack at all. And it scares me. While I have some hypo unawareness, this young man (he was 26) had severe unawareness. His blood sugars were constantly swinging. It is scary how close to home this hits me. I didn't think this type of thing actually happened. But I guess it does. And it is scary. It reminds me that this is no joke. While I remember this is not a typical event, it scares me none the less. Insurance needs to fund CGMS soon. There is no need for someone to die from diabetes.

In my own world, things are different. A severe asthma flare and case of bronchitis has me sucking down prednisone like it is candy. I am on a ton, and my dose got upped today. It's crazy. I am using a 125% basal and correcting with an ISF of 50 (instead of my usual 80), and testing every two hours. I see my endo tomorrow. I am so thankful for my pump in these moments.

Part of me wants to slack. I am on the prednisone for 8 days. 8 days can't make a difference. I have a valid excuse. Why not just let it be?

Then I think of my eyes, and my kidnies, and my heart, and all my small blood vessels. And I decide it is worth the effort. I read that a healthy person will have a minimal bg response to prednisone. Some people get steriod-induced diabetes from prednisone, but they were at risk for diabetes anyways. The prednisone was just the last straw. Then I see my own numbers climbing in the 200 and 300s. Despite a pump pushing insulin into me. And it seems not fair.

But wallowing in self pity never did anyone good. And slacking certainly won't do me any good. So instead, I just poke my finger again and dial up another correction.

Craving Information

2006-08-13T21:49:00.000-05:00

I am approaching almost 1 year with diabetes. I'm also seeing my insulin needs go up up up as my honeymoon ends. And I am learning a ton.

But one thing seems inevitable: the more I learn, the more I want to know.

I seem to never be satisfied with what I know. I want to learn more. Read more. Explore, and discover. I want to know about current developments, and about the history of diabetes. I want to ask questions and look at graphs. I want to find patterns.

But is any of this actually making my diabetes better? Yes and no. Some things I put into practice and it improves my control. Some things I try to put into practice and I find don't work for me. Some things I just seem to ignore, though I should do (basal tests fall into that category).

But any way it goes, I need to keep going. People who are ignorant on their own disease bother me. Ignorance is not bliss, nor does ignoring make the condition go away. I can't ignore it. And learning is a source of hope. Hope for not only better control, but a cure. I NEED to learn.

After all, knowledge is power.

Archery Girl

2006-07-15T20:40:00.000-05:00

I first saw you several years ago. You may not remember me from then, but I sat next to you in the health center. You were shivering and nauseas. You felt dizzy. You were withdrawing from Ritalin because your parents didn't bother making sure it came to camp with you. Luckily, the symptoms passed as the next 24 hours went by. And the symptoms didn't amount to anything severe.

When I saw you this year, you ran up to me and hugged me tight. You were so happy to see me even though I didn't know you well. You hug everyone though, and sadly, it shows just how craving of love you are. It's because you lack it at home. And I am sorry for that, because everyone deserves love.

I hate to admit it, but I was a little worried when I saw your name on the cabin list, and even more worried to see your lack of maturing over the past few years. You don't fit in, and it's obvious. And quite frankly, you are tiring.

But it looked like I avoided you when you didn't show up for any activities I taught.

Then Tuesday came. And the director asked to speak to me. Apparently you weren't doing well in craft classes. You were moved to archery. You did not want to be there. But you were. And you really didn't have much choice in the matter. Your acting up got you kicked out of the other class.

So I got you. And your lack of self confidence became increasingly evident as you refused to set down your stuffed animal and you apologized profusely for any wrong doing, even if it wasn't your fault.

You were scared to shoot a bow and arrow. She almost cried. You were afraid you would hurt someone, or me. But I told you if you obeyed the rules you would be fine. And you did. And you were.

When you first shot, your form was off. But we worked to fix it. Then you got it. Then you hit the target. You couldn't believe you could!

Then you got a score high enough to start working toward a level. And you did.

That day, you told me you loved archery. And you told me the director was right when she said I was a good teacher.

That week you got two levels completed. And you were proud. And my gosh, was I proud of you.

I saw confidence I never saw in you before. And that brought joy to me. You were more focused then you ever were before, succeeding at something you had previously feared.

So little effort on my part brought life into you. And you fit in. And you were Archery Girl.

Thank you Archery Girl, for blessing my week.

Ah, camp

2006-07-15T12:57:00.000-05:00

I was in the health center at my very much so non-diabetes camp. There were two nurses there, and me. I was the health center aid, and loving it. One nurse was leaving for her week off, and I was helping to file the forms from that week. Nurse 2 was training for the week she was about to start.

Time for my fasting bs. 209. The humidity has brought my site problems that I thought were solved back into full few. I went through 6 sites in 2 days this week.

And then Nurse 2 made an ultimate no-no. "Somebody had too much food and not enough exercise yesterday."

What the heck?

I checked my site and dialed up a bolus.

Nurse 2: "Oh, you have a pump. I used to know someone who had diabetes that was very brittle."

Me: "I hate that word."

N2: "Anyways, her doctor told her she had to get a pump, but she didn't, so she had complications by the time she was 30. Eventually she stopped being so noncompliant and got a pump."

me: "Great *sarcasm*."

People irritate me. And I have spent this whole week fighting it. The night before:

Camper: "Megan, do you have low blood sugar?"

Me: "No, but I have diabetes."

Camper: *frightened look* "My great grandma died of diabetes."

Me: "And I am sure she was a lot older than I am, and I take good care of myself."

So that has been my week comment wise. But in good news, I have some new Cleo 90s to try out!

"I Am" Meme

2006-06-17T10:54:00.000-05:00

All you have to do is list 30 "I am" statments about yourself. I tag anyone who wants to. It's hard, but doable.

1. I am a girl.
2. I am a Christian.
3. I am a person with diabetes.
4. I am a student.
5. I am a daughter.
6. I am a camper.
7. I am a sister.
8. I am a pumper.
9. I am a thinker.
10. I am a reader.
11. I am hungry.
12. I am intelligent.
13. I am blond(no jokes necessary).
14. I am a poor college student.
15. I am a pianist.
16. I am a leader.
17. I am blue eyed.
18. I am a geek.
19. I am caucasian.
20. I am a reader.
21. I am a writer.
22. I am always listening to music.
23. I am a bargin hunter.
24. I am a water drinker.
25. I am a computer user.
26. I am pro-life.
27. I am a Narnia fan.
28. I am humourous.
29. I am getting tan.
30. I am alive.

Weird

2006-06-15T00:32:00.000-05:00

Second only to my homepage, The Classroom is the second most viewed page according to StatCounter.

To Parents of CWDs Everywhere

2006-06-14T22:56:00.000-05:00

You amaze. Really. You guys need an award. Or a club. A country club. Something. Cause you guys rock.

I was 19 when I was diagnosed. My parents chose to ignore it. Then deny it. Then tell me to just stop eating sugar, and I won't need my pump. The one thing they refused to do was learn about it. They just didn't want to. It was too hard. So I deal with it on my own and with the support of the OC, a few message boards, and a few close friends. I am grateful for the support I do have.

But to hear what you guys go through. Field trips with kids. Camping trips. Filling reservoirs so your child doesn't have to deal with it. Helping your kids to realize where their out of range blood sugars come from without being judgmental. Showing up at every clinic appointment on time with your kids helping them to communicate best with the doctor.

You guys are amazing. Your patience, your problem solving, your support. I'm envious of your kids.

Pricking their fingers even though you don't want to. And they certainly don't want you too. But being as gentle as possible, and just making it part of life and easy as cheese. Changing sites or giving shots even when you don't want to. And again, they don't want you to. Even if they beg you not to. Even if you think missing one shot won't hurt. Because you know it's what's good for them. And as a parent that's priority. Staying up late at nights for 3 am checks. Losing sleep because you care so much. And never want anything to harm them. Recognizing it's not just the here and now. But the future. And praying for a cure for their future. And ours. And putting those prayers into real life action at fund raiser after fund raiser.

So as we are here in between Mother's Day and Father's Day, a special kudos to all you parents who deal with your sweet kids, while making your non-d kids never feel left out.

High five. And then some.

That site ain't going no where!

2006-06-03T11:32:00.000-05:00

I had a rather refreshing appointment with endo and CDE recently (isn't that nice when you leave the doctor feeling refreshed, rather than pissed off?). CDE told me she can see why I'm not just thrilled with pumping yet, but promised it will get better.

So...I'm still pumping. I half was going into the appointment thinking I was gonna tell CDE just give me some pens and let me try those. But she assurred me I haven't given pumping a fair enough try yet- and really, I know she is right.

She said I'm definitely allergic to the adhesive, so, I learned how to "sandwich" the sets with IV3000.

I did a set change this morning and used the sticky wipes and the IV3000. And let me tell you- this site ain't going no where! I think I will actually get three full days on it.

Screw the Pump Again

2006-05-29T14:26:00.000-05:00

Well, today is my two week aniversarry of pumping. Or would be anyways. That is...if my pump were working. Guess what- it's not really waterproof! One half hour in the pool and it's totally broken. My new pump will be here wednesday. So 40 hours of shots. I think I'm gonna go cry now. Bye.

Screw the Pump

2006-05-28T01:30:00.000-05:00

For now at least.

It's 2:30 am and an hour ago I pulled out my second site for the day. The first one pulled out while I was getting dressed this morning. New site went in. That one I yanked out purposefully, as it hurt like hell. Sure enough, blood leaked in a steady stream from the site when I yanked it out. "Lovely" I thought as I pressed a tissue against the sore area, relieved to have the site out.

And I ignored diabetes for an hour. Glucose climbed from 105 to 175. And that's when it struck me that I had to do something about insulin besides just ignore my physiological need for it and prance around like a non-diabetic. So 11 units of lantus went in the left side of my stomach, and 2 of novolog in the right. And that's all the more I am thinking about diabetes tonight.

Over and out.

Strange...

2006-05-23T13:03:00.000-05:00

I had lunch today. I had that cheesy mac and cheese you put the goob on. I was careful to only have one serving. It brought back memories of the last time I had it- a year ago. I had about three servings, not giving a damn about how many carbs it had. I wondered briefly why I would do that. Then I remembered. I didn't have diabetes back then. It didn't matter. And it was strange. Because it was then I realized diabetes had taken over so much of my life I barely remember what it was like to not have diabetes, even though it was only a year ago. I feel like I have had it forever.

Not me.

2006-05-21T19:43:00.000-05:00

The numbers on the prescription form stared back at me: 250.x1. It was a code I looked up before, but not one I had to look up this time. I knew what it meant. The doctors weren't keeping any secrets from me. In fact, these numbers played an intricate part in my life. They represent the ICD-9 label for type 1 diabetes. Or in other terms- “diabetes, juvenile type.” The label was applied to me months ago. But it wasn't a label that I felt comfortable with.

For one thing, with a diagnosis age of 19, juvenile hardly described me. Type 1 diabetes I felt slightly more comfortable, but still, it wasn't me.

For another thing, I wasn't sick enough. With no hospitalizations caused by this diagnosis, no ketoacidosis, and only a few lows that I couldn't bring myself out of, this wasn't me. I wasn't afraid of ketones because I never had a problem with them. My lack of fear was evidenced by my blatant lack of ketone strips. I had only tested ketones 8 times in my life- the exact number of strips included in a Precision Xtra ketone pack. And all 8 times it was 0.0. So my lack of fear continued. This wasn't me. I wasn't sick. I wasn't dependent on a substance that didn't even exist 83 years ago.

In fact- I rarely thought about diabetes. But at the same time, it consumed my mind. I took a shot every time I ate. I tested 10 times a day. I could formulate a carb count for almost any food with a glance of my eyes. But it didn't bother me. And none of my friends knew about my secret world of shots and tests and carb counting.

And the forms were signed. And faxed off. And insurance approved. And my order was shipped. And training was scheduled.

And.
The.
Box.
Came.

It was small. Too small. And light. Too light. I held it next to my cell phone. It was the same size. My cell phone was cool. But my life relied on this. I knew that mentally, but couldn't grasp it emotionally. My life did not depend on insulin- I wasn't sick enough. The hormone was just something that was there to give me more energy. Like a vitamin supplement, in my opinion. No big deal if a cannula gets kinked or I miss a dose.

I read the manuals. I did the training. I got told I knew everything I needed to. I got hooked up, blessed, and sent on my way.

But it wasn't me. And it still isn't. It's just there.

And Without Further Ado...

2006-05-19T14:09:00.000-05:00

The interview questions!

Sorry this took so long.

Rebecca (btw, I'm gonna add a link to your blog).
1. What was your first thought when being diagnosed?
2. When did you know you wanted to work with animals? Why? (sorry, I cheated, two questions in one).
3. Have you considered pumping?
4. Where can you typically found on a Saturday night?
5. Ten words that describe you.

Justme (adding you too! man, so many bloggers I didn't know about!).
1. Top 3 tv shows?
2. I noticed you are house hunting. Describe your dream home.
3. Top 5 diabetes pet peeves?
4. You're pretty new to diabetes- has it changed your life as much as you thought it would?
5. What is your favorite part about your hometown?

Interview MeMe

2006-05-10T17:38:00.000-05:00

Allison interviewed me (per my request). Took me awhile to come up with these answers for several reasons:
1. final exams (woot, woot)
2. failure to think of answers (mmm...maybe I exhausted my thinking ability?)

1. If you had a Saturday to do absolutely anything in the world (assuming you were a gazillionaire and the ability to travel instantly to another location), what would you do?
Oh...I would want to do so much. First I would want to go parasailing. I've always wanted to do that. Shopping sprees too of course, I could use a new computer. I'd want to go to an amuesmant park and ride rollarcoasters (with no lines, of course). I'd probably want to go snorkling too. When do I get to do this, again?

2. Now that you've been on the pump for a few days, is there anything you don't like about it?
Yeah, the whole having diabetes bit :D Besides that, everything else is just minor annoyances. And even those I think will be fixed with longer tubing. It annoys me when I drop it and I have it hanging from my abdomen. It annoys me when I roll over and *jerk* wake up at night from it. That kinda stuff. Other than that I love it! I even forgot I had it Monday for the first time ever. I was taking an exam, and I reached down for a pencil, my hand got stuck in tubing and I though, "What is that?" And volia. I had a pump.

3. If you could have any job in the world, what would you want to do?
I'd want to open a diabetes center. And I'm not even joking. I have so many good ideas. And after going through three centers before I found one I liked, I have ideas at what is good and what isn't. I think it would be fun. Plus, you would be the first to see all the new inventions. And to get paid to think about something I think about anyways? That's a pretty sweet deal!

4. Do you have any siblings? If yes, what is your relationship like? If no, do you wish you had siblings?

I have two sisters, aged 13 and 17. The 17 year old and I get along pretty well. The 13 year old and I usually aruge, but really love each other. We are just quite accomplished at annoying each other. We used to get along better when she was younger. Maybe when she is older (aka past this middle school crap) it will be good again. The 17 year old and I have different interests- she actually likes shopping! And she can't imagine why I like camping. But alas, we manage to have fun together. Eating food is something we all like, afterall.

5. Who is your inspiration? This is a hard one. I have different inspirations for different things. I have my person who I go to for God-stuff advice. I have my parents who I go to for school and life advice. I have professors who I want to be like when I am in the working world. I even have different "attitude role-models" who have great attitudes I want to model. So basically I have no one inspiration, but look up to a lot of different people with a lot of different traits.

If you want to be interviewed, leave a comment. I'll interview 5 people, or slightly more if this is in high demand.

Pump Update

2006-05-05T20:37:00.000-05:00

I've now been pumping a few days. And I've come to a few conclusions:

1. I LOVE pumping. It's as good as I thought it would be and better. The convience is superb! I love being able to bolus on the go, and using temp rates for excersise and all the things I thought I would love about it.

2. I'm already used to wearing it, not bad at all!

3. I need longer tubing. 23 inches isn't even long enough for me to set it down when I get dressed.

4. I LOVE the insets. No pain at all yet!

5. I need higher basals across the board- I can do better than 150s-200s. No lows yet though. Right now I am using 9.18 units basal. I was using 11 units on Lantus.

6. Having meter built into pump=huge convienance.

7. The Cozmo case does, indeed, suck.

8. I had a milkshake and didn't even feel sick afterwards! That's amazing!

9. Filling up reservoir 150 units is about perfect for my 20 unit a day requirments. That works out to about 2 reservoir changes per set change perfectly.

I think there's more, but that's all I can remember for now.

Christmas in April

2006-04-28T15:13:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was the day.

The box came.

Note sample Ascensia Contour, sitting on my floor, without use, compliments of Bayer.

With presents (well, not really):

Hey, hey, no bad at all:

And the good news- I like the insets a lot better than the comfort I tried last week.

I Feel Like a Pregnant Woman

2006-04-22T16:39:00.000-05:00

Only, without the baby growing inside me.

The move to pumping seems to have turned me into an emotional wreck this weekend.

I'm not sure why, but all the excitement I felt toward pumping has turned into fear and sadness. I'm still fairly new to diabetes, just over 6 months for me. And I feel like I was just figuring things out on shots. Now it's changing, probably for the better, but changing nonetheless again. And due to honeymooning, I feel like my blood sugar levels don't punish me too badly for a missed dose here and there, resulting in me not feeling insulin dependant totally. This in turn has led to me feeling like I don't really need a pump.

I feel like a pump will make me more diabetic, if that makes sense. I went to my last endo appointment half expecting to be told I don't have diabetes, and came back with a pump ordered. Whoa... And I feel like I have been viewing the pump has a fun toy to have, not a permanent life line. This struck me yesterday when I read the manual and it kept saying how important it is to have a back up plan if you need to disconnect and to make sure you don't have occulsions and such. It's there. All. The. Time.

I keep wondering what it is going to be like. I was doing house work this afternoon and put my mp3 player on my waist. And it annoyed me. Granted, my pump will be half the size.

Going on the pump is making me feel like I am being diagnosed all over again. It's making me accept something I haven't quite accepted yet.

Purty Purple Cozmo

2006-04-19T16:55:00.000-05:00

I saw a new endo today. He told me I'm an ideal pump candidate. He had me meet with the trainer right away. And guess what. My cozmo is on the way. I think this officially makes me a pumper!

Book Meme

2006-04-13T19:35:00.000-05:00

This has been circulating around The OC, so I figured I would give it a try, even though it will probably make me look like I have very immature reading ;)

Instructions: Bold the ones you've read. Italicize the ones you've been wanting/might like to read. ??Place question marks by any titles/authors you've never heard of?? Put an asterisk if you've read something else by the same author.

Allcott, Louisa May Little Women
Allende, Isabel The House of Spirits
*Angelou, Maya I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings
Atwood, Margaret Cat's Eye
Austen, Jane Emma
??Bambara, Toni Cade Salt Eaters??
??Barnes, Djuna Nightwoodde??
??Beauvoir, Simone The Second Sex??
*Blume, Judy Are You There God? It's Me Margaret
Burnett, Frances The Secret Garden
Bronte, Charlotte Jane Eyre
Bronte, Emily Wuthering Heights
Buck, Pearl S. The Good Earth
Byatt, A.S. Possession
Cather, Willaâ y Antonia
Chopin, Kate The Awakening
*Christie, Agatha Murder on the Orient Express
Cisneros, Sandra The House on Mango Street
Clinton, Hillary Rodham Living History
Cooper, Anna Julia A Voice From the South
??Danticat, Edwidge Breath, Eyes, Memory??
Davis, Angela Women, Culture, and Politics
??Desai, Anita Clear Light of Day??
Dickinson, Emily Collected Poems
Duncan, Lois I Know What You Did Last Summer
??DuMaurier, Daphne Rebecca??
Eliot, George Middlemarch
??Emecheta, Buchi Second Class Citizen??
??Erdrich, Louise Tracks??
??Esquivel, Laura Like Water for Chocolate??
Flagg, Fannie Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe
Friedan, Betty The Feminine Mystique
Frank, Anne Diary of a Young Girl
??Gilman, Charlotte Perkins The Yellow Wallpaper??
??Gordimer, Nadine July's People??
*Grafton, Sue S is for Silence
??Hamilton, Edith Mythology??
Highsmith, Patricia The Talented Mr. Ripley
*hooks, bell Bone Black*
??Hurston, Zora Neale ust Tracks on the Road??
??Jacobs, Harriet Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl??
Jackson, Helen Hunt Ramona
Jackson, Shirley The Haunting of Hill House
??Jong, Erica Fear of Flying??
Keene, Carolyn The Nancy Drew Mysteries
Kidd, Sue Monk The Secret Life of Bees
Kincaid, Jamaic “Lucy
Kingsolver, Barbara The Poisonwood Bible
??Kingston, Maxine Hong The Woman Warrior??
??Larsen, Nellaâ€“Passing??
L'Engle, Madeleine “A Wrinkle in Time
Le Guin, Ursula K. The Left Hand of Darkness
Lee, Harper To Kill a Mockingbird
Lessing, Doris The Golden Notebook
Lively, Penelope Moon Tiger
Lorde, Audre The Cancer Journals
Martin, Ann M. The Babysitters Club Series
McCullers, Carson The Member of the Wedding
McMillan, Terry Disappearing Acts
??Markandaya, Kamala Nectar in a Sieve??
??Marshall, Paule Brown Girl, Brownstones??
Mitchell, Margaret Go with the Wind
Montgomery, Lucy Maudâ€“Anne of Green Gables
Morgan, Joan When Chickenheads Come Home to Roost
Morrison, Toni Song of Solomon
??Murasaki, Lady Shikibu The Tale of Genji??
Munro, Alice Lives of Girls and Women
??Murdoch, Iris Severed Head??
??Naylor, Gloria Mama Day??
Niffenegger, Audrey The Time Traveller's Wife
*Oates, Joyce Carolâ€“We Were the Mulvaneys
O'Connor, Flannery A Good Man is Hard to Find
Piercy, Marge Woman on the Edge of Time
Picoult, Jodi My Sister's Keeper
Plath, Sylvia The Bell Jar
Porter, Katharine Anne Ship of Fools
Proulx, E. Annie The Shipping News
Rand, Ayn The Fountainhead
*Ray, Rachel 365: No Repeats
??Rhys, Jean Wide Sargasso Sea??
??Robinson, Marilynne Housekeeping??
??Rocha, Sharon For Laci??
Sebold, Alice The Lovely Bones
Shelley, Mary Frankenstein
Smith, Betty's Tree Grows in Brooklyn
??Smith, Zadie's White Teeth??
Spark, Muriel The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie
Spyri, Johanna Heidi
Strout, Elizabeth Amy and Isabelle
Steel, Danielle The House
Tan, Amy The Joy Luck Club
??Tannen, Deborah You're Wearing That??
??Ulrich, Laurel A Midwife's Tale??
??Urquhart, Jane Away??
Walker, Alice The Temple of My Familiar
Welty, Eudora One Writer's Beginnings
*Wharton, Edith Age of Innocence
Wilder, Laura Ingalls Little House in the Big Woods
Wollstonecraft, Mary A Vindication of the Rights of Women
Woolf, Virginia A Room of One's Own

Pets with Diabetes

2006-04-10T01:12:00.000-05:00

My dog has never had an accident. Not until this week. He has had two this week. Both times he tried to get to the door and didn't make it. I'm worried. Maybe I am paranoid. I don't want him to have diabetes. Pets with diabetes die shortly after diagnosis.

Anyone know how to test a dog's blood sugar? Or even the normal range for a dog's blood sugar? Yikes, I hope we were just ignoring him too much for him to make it outside in time.

Top 5

2006-04-05T23:26:00.000-05:00

Top Five.

Top Five Non-Diabetes Related Websites
1. www.slickdeals.net
2. e-mail (www.gmail.com, www.yahoo.com)
3. www.hardwareforums.com
4. www.zug.com
5. www.bbspot.com

Top Five Reasons You’re Grinning Today
1. Cause I stayed home from school.
2. Cause we have really good cookies right now
3. Cause I got The Chronicles of Narnia on DVD.
4. Cause my blood sugars have been in range all day despite being sick.
5. Cause I finished an assignment

Top Five Uses for Bacon Bits
1. Take up space on salad bars
2. Throw at sisters in fit of rage
3. Make money for certain companies
4. Hide in dog's fur for interesting scene
5. Definitely NOT eat

Top Five Places You Want to Travel To
1. Africa
2. California
3. Alaska
4. Germany
5. Colorodo

Top Five Guilty Pleasures
1. Long hot showers
2. Chocolate
3. Naps
4. Long drives in places with high speed limits
5. Copious amounts of caffiene

I think I had a low last night

2006-03-23T16:23:00.000-05:00

When I woke up this morning my meter, a syringe, and a bottle of insulin were all in bed with me, an open bottle of water was next to my bed, and my blood sugar was 60. No readings in my memory show any tests during the night, but I remember getting up once last night thinking I should test and feeling dizzy. I must have fallen back asleep before I could test. Kinda funny. Luckily my bs wasn't lower than 60, and the rest of the day has been great bs wise.

Anyone else ever wake up with random diabetes supplies in bed with them?

How old am I?

2006-03-20T18:48:00.000-05:00

You Are 24 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

Real age= 20 years old

My Reasons for Wanting a Pump Soon

2006-03-19T19:53:00.000-05:00

Several comments have asked why I think a pump would benefit me now. So I present to you, my top reasons.

1. Insulin sensitivity- My insulin carb ratio is either 1/20 or 1/30 (depending on time of day) now, so since you can't take below .5 units in syringes, I could bolus much more specifically with a pump.

2. Different basal rates- I'm more resistant during the day than at night, so rather than accommodating that with different carb ratios now (a work around), I could actually set different basal rates and have less lows and highs.

3. Exercise- Setting a temp basal to prevent lows rather than eating would be so nice, and help me lose weight, since I would not have to eat more just to exercise. I seem to have lows after exercise as well as during.

4. Turning off pump during lows-My lows can be very hard to recover from, and sometimes go on for hours. Setting a temp basal would help this.

5. Eliminate weekend highs- My records show I'm way higher on weekends than weekdays, I could use different basal rates to help this.

6. Gastroparesis- Square bolus could match up the timing of the insulin to the timing of my stomach better than shots.

7. Hectic lifestyle- Bolusing with a pump iseasier than taking shots on the run, and less planning involved.

8. Some days I just seem to run low- Setting a temp basal would help this as well.

9. My schedule is going to be even more hectic in the fall then it is now, and over the summer. A pump would make things easier in several ways. Bolusing can be done “on the run,” plus, the pump would handle most of the logging.

10. My insurance co-pay for a pump goes up in July significantly, so if I want one, now is the best timing.

11. Pumps can keep track of insulin on board better than I can by myself.

Yes, I plan on taking this list to the doctor with me.

Why Not?

2006-03-17T23:47:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I feel like I am one of the only type 1s who doesn't pump. Obviously this is not true. While it's obvious I really want to pump, I think sometimes I get so focused on that I look only at the positive and do not consider it in a well rounded sense. So I know there are people who choose not to pump. And for those of you- why not? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

New Endo

2006-03-17T18:25:00.000-05:00

Today I finally got some blood work done. Oddly enough, they just wanted me to get blood drawn for a glucose sometime when i was high, cause for some odd reason they have absolutely no proof I have diabetes (I guess besides the fact that I'm on insulin- WTF?). Sometimes my healthcare amazes me. All they needed me to do was go sometime when my bs was above 200. I was 200 when I got home from school today, so I went. I got the blood drawn, then went out to my car and clocked in at 198. Whoops- maybe they will decide I don't have diabetes? I gave myself 4 units and was 130 by dinner. Yay!

Anyways, I decided it's time to get a pro-pump endo. A person I go to school with has a pump, but she still goes to her peds endocrinologist, so she couldn't really help me. Minimed.com has a section on finding a doctor, and there is one whole doctor listed in my area, so that made the decision easy ;) I called and turns out it's a whole practice, so I asked to see the nicest, pro-pumpist doctor right away. Receptionist blurted out immediately, "Oh, you want to see Dr. C" Okay, that was encouraging. SO I see Dr. C is 4 weeks.

Right now my main goal in my diabetes care is getting a pump. I see so many advantages- different basal rates, square boluses to help cope with gastroparesis, and smaller dosing (so I can actually dose for something below 15 grams of carb)! I'm seriously so excited.

So to help with this process, I'm doing everything I can do to speed up the process. I've researched ad nauseaum, and decided with the Animas or the Deltec, I can't decide which. So I'm going to bring the paper work with me for both companies, with the health history section filled out with the stuff I know I can fill out, and ask endo if he has a preference. Since this is a whole diabetes center, I know they have CDEs, and I might even be able to see them there. I have seen the animas and minimed, and like the way both look (but I limited minimed for not being waterproof), but I want to see the Deltec up close and personal.

I also have revamped my logging. I now am logging all insulin doses, all carbs, all exercise, and all blood sugars on a chart. I'm going to make copies to give new endo.

Finally, I am having all my blood work sent to me so I can bring copies with me.

I'm going to put blood work results, logs, pump paperwork, and a list of ways a pump would benefit me in a folder to give to new endo. I hope it goes well!

Can anyone think of anything else I can do to speed things up? My insurance changes in July, and my pump co-pay will jump for $10 to $1200 then, so time is of the essence.

The Classroom

2006-03-09T20:32:00.001-05:00

I sit in Professor Glycemia's classroom everyday. It is my most dreaded class- by far the hardest of any classes I take. Everyone in the college is required to take it, but few people seem to struggle with it. While a small group of us shows up for class everyday, study, and discuss topics, most people just show up on the day of exams- just once a year. While most people take the exams once a year, this small group of students take them 4 times a year.

Today is an exam day. Slowly the people other than the usuals show up. This test is going to be it! I know I know the material. I studied the equations. I know the vocab. I discussed. I quizzed myself. I learned everything. I am going to pass.

I took the exam.

I did everything I could.

I passed. But barely. Surprisingly, there were questions I knew the answer to, that I got wrong. "1 + 1 = ?" the question read. 2 I put down confidently. But it was wrong. Professor Glycemia stated the answer was 3. After class, furious, I run up to professor and demand an explanation. "There isn't one. I simply changed my mind. 1 plus 1 now equals 3."

"How can that be?" I demand.

"It just is."

My paper has a 6.9% written on it. On this test lower is better. My exam paper has a big fat "See me after class." label on it.

Slowly the students that just show up once a year leave. Big gold star stickers grace their exam papers, along with grades like 5.0%. How is this so easy for them?

Slowly is strikes me. Their exams had no questions. All they had to do was show up to get a perfect grade.

The injustice overwhelms me. "Why?" I beg to know.

"It just is. Deal with it." Comes the answer from Professor Glycemia.

Slowly I realize that after each test, more join the ranks of those of us who must work hard at passing Professor Glycemia's class. And we bond. And we share experiences. Professor Glycemia gives us and only us pop quizzes. And while Professor Glycemia's class is never on most student's mind, it is always on ours. And we learn to work. And we learn to appreciate when we pass. And we learn to laugh when we fail. And we bond.

It's not about the needles

2006-03-06T19:11:00.000-05:00

I was recently asked for my opinion on stem cell research. My immediate answer was, "There is no way I could be against it, since I have type 1 diabetes." It makes sense that I would want to be cured to everyone, however, many peoples response to this is, "Yes, I imagine it stinks having to stick your fingers and take shots." Well, sometimes it does. But that is not at all where my fraustrations lie.

It's because I never know when my blood work will show my kidnies or heart failing.
It's because driving with low blood sugar is scary.
It's because low blood sugar is just plain scary.
It's because one second my bs can be 39, the next 379 for no apparent reason.
It's because every high bs does damage.
It's because I want to live to see grandchildren.
It's because I want to wake up feeling well in the morning.
It's because I want to do well in school.
It's because I want a healthy immune system.
It's because I get sick of fighting with insurance companies to get the meds I need.
It's because millions of people deal with these same issues.
It's because I don't want any child I have to spend the first hours of their lif on a glucose IV.
It's because I like being able to see.
It's because I like my legs just how they are.
It's because I want to be able to exercise without worrying about going low.
It's because realizing your bs is 59 and you have two units on board sucks.
It's because diabetes is expensive.
It's because everyone deserves to be healthy.

Some Days You Just Have to Blog

2006-02-28T23:18:00.000-05:00

Some days are so crappy there is nothing better to do at the end of the day than to sit back and blog about it.

I have to work from 9-12 this morning. I didn't get to bed till 2 last night, so I wasn't thrilled about waking up. Worst part was, for the first second after waking up I thought it was saturday and I had set my alarm by mistake. No go.

I take a shot for a bowl of cereal, then promptly realize there is no time for that, so I construct a peanut butter and jelly sandwich which I figured would have a similar carb count.

On the way to work there was a car accident, so I manage to get to work 5 minutes late. Not bad considering.

Work was fine, but I ended up leaving 10 minutes late. Not a huge deal, but I have to be to school by 1pm, and school is 45 minutes away. I realize I forgot one of my lab manuals essential for my class, so I must stop at home first. Luckily, home is on the way. I get home, grab my binder, and a coupon for Arbys. I hate fast food, but I'm hungry and once again late, and already had pb and j on the run once already. I'm on R right now, so I get to the car and decide to guesstimate carbs for Arbys and shoot up. I also decide to do this without testing first, but hey, I feel in range. I decide to cover for 60 grams of carb for a sandwich and medium french fry. Probably a low estimate, but I figure I'll go with it for now, then correct later if I need to. I take the dose, then watch as the cover to the one and only syringe I have on me falls into that space under the emergency brake that no one knows where it leads to. I happen to have a screw driver on the floor in my car, and try to get at it with that, but no luck. I don't want to throw an uncovered syringe I may need to use again back in my bag, so I open my meter case, and have an "Ah ha!" moment. There is a lancet cover not being used. I decide to try it over the syringe. Perfect fit. And I am on the road again.

I get my food at Arbys, and it's actually surprisingly good. I hate driving and eating. Yeah, hey, all you people with automatic transmissions- try shifting and eat ing and stearing and clutching and gasing and braking all at the same time. But I proved it could be done.

I get to school 10 minutes before class starts. Yes, good fortune has been bestowed upon me! Unforunately, the parking gods are not with me this day. My class I have today is in the one and only academic building on the outskirts of campus. I cruise through the street parking near that building, go down two blocks, nothing is open. Well, at least nothing legal.

I turn around and decide to check out the parking lots in the middle of campus. The first two show nothing. I go to the third. Here I see not 1, no 2, but 3 cars taking up more than one spot. I get ticketed for the most minor parking infringements. Why are these people not ticketed? I know why. Because it's 10 degrees out and no security guard wants to be in the middle of a parking lot looking for cars to tick. I find a spot 5 blocks away from my class. Parking successfully killed 8 of the 10 minutes I had to get to class.

I race to my class, then remember I injected in my thigh because I figured I would be sitting for awhile. Diabetes conscience (a small part of your brain anterior to your cerebellum- yes, I made that up) tells me this racing will cause the insulin to absorb faster and put me at risk for hypoglycemia. Oh well, I underbolused, remember?

I get to class 2 minutes late. Well, better than what I pulled off for work this morning I guess. Professor is handing back exams. I see the grade distribution put on board. Only 2 As in the class. Wow. I get my paper back and am glad to see I am one of those As! Yay!

That class goes uneventfully and brings us to 2:15. My next class is at 2:30. One the 4th floor. Of a building on the other side of campus. Yay, more racing.

I get there right as class is suppose to start, put my lab coat on, disinfect my lab bench, and decide it's time to test. I leave the room (it's a microbiology lab, testing in class would violate every infection control rule I can think of). I get into the hall, and open up my meter case to see one stinkin strip. Better make it a good one. It wasn't- it was and error message.

Professor comes to class 5 minutes late (it's about time someone is late besides me!). Lab instruction brings us to 5 pm. Then professor hands back two tests. I got a B+ on one, and failed the other. One out of two ain't bad I guess.

After lab I have to go to the computer lab to finish typing a paper I'm working on. I get to computer lab. I open up my files. It refuses to open. Darn it! So I settle on going home, of course hitting rush hour traffic. I get home at 6:15. I eat dinner, still not having tested since my fasting blood sugar this morning.

I eat, then go upstairs and test. I clock in at a lovely 133. Some days I think I would be better off just ignoring diabetes more often.

I bolus for the meal, plus a half unit correction for kicks, since I get suspicious about numbers that seem too good to be true. Then I get to work on the paper. I though paper would take no time to finish. I was wrong. Health histories of pediatric patients are long. Very long. Three hours later and 20 pages (SINGLE spaced) later, I'm done. I go to print. Not only is my meter error messaging on me, my printer is too. Darn it.

We have one more print I shall try, otherwise, I need to try at school again tomorrow. I think I solved the problem for why the file won't read though.

Tomorrow I have a test for this same 8 am class the paper is due for. Have I studied for said test? No. I can't do everything. It's 20 to midnight, and I have to get up at 6:30. So over and out. Tomorrow is another day.

Me Too

2006-02-28T00:17:00.000-05:00

I stole this idea and got the same results.

You Are Boston

Both modern and old school, you never forget your roots.
Well educated and a little snobby, you demand the best.
And quite frankly, you think you are the best.

Famous people from the Boston area: Conan O'Brien, Ben Affleck, New Kids on the Block

What American City Are You?

Sometimes I Amaze Myself

2006-02-25T17:51:00.000-05:00

Today I went up to the camp I work at. I had lunch there and did the unthinkable- I forgot to cover the lunch carbs with a shot. About an hour later I felt high. Go figure. At this point I realize why rather quickly (duh!). So I go out to my car to get my meter that is sitting in the freezing cold outdoors. I test at 130. WTF? SInce I feel high and 1 unit usually brings me down about 50, I decide a half unit would put me at 105. So I do it. An hour later my meter has warmed up some, and the half a unit is already making me feel better. I clock in at 180 this time. Okay, that is more like it. I figure this means I was to the tune of 205 before. I take another full unit. Now three hours later I'm ready for dinner and at a smooth 103. Sometimes I amaze myself at my ability to make a come back!

I dream of ...

2006-02-21T00:11:00.000-05:00

diabetes. Anyone else do this? Once I dreampt that music came in regular and sugar free varities and I could only listen to diet music. This pissed me off because I love listening to music and all my favorite songs became out of the question.

But I just had that dream once. I do have a recurring dream though, that my two best friends have diabetes and I don't. It's an odd dream. And it's always the same. It's especially odd because in the dream I don't have any of the knowledge about diabetes I have as a result of having diabetes either.

Am I the only weirdo that actually dreams about it?

Funny Thing Happened

2006-02-14T21:03:00.000-05:00

I have been working on a nursing paper for several weeks now, and just needed one more article to cite this evening. I have been on my library's online database for the last two hours, and finally found an article that was perfect to use. I typed up the final bit of the paper, then looked at the author's name to credit her, and realized I recognized the name. The author that wrote this article that is finally letting me finish this paper runs the site that I found huge amounts of help through when I was dealing with hyperinsulinemic hypoglycemia and a "mystery GI illness" (which is now dx'ed) as a young teenager. I have barely given this site a second thought, but I met one of my favorite online buddies through it. What a coincidence! Check out her site here: http://www.lehman.cuny.edu/faculty/jfleitas/bandaides/

Sometimes I can Be an Idiot

2006-02-08T20:23:00.000-05:00

Monday I went to school. It's a normal thing for me to do. After school, I drove home. My first clue something was wrong should have been when I turned on the air conditioning in my car. It was 10 degree outside, and I couldn't stop sweating.

I kept driving.

And driving.

Soon I was two miles from home, but all I wanted to do was sleep. Sleep, and eat, and get the sweat off of me. I watched the fast food restuarants wizz by me as I kept driving. It briefly occured to me that I may have been low, but hypoglycemic me decided I was just looking for an excuse to eat junk food.

I kept driving. One mile from home. And hitting every red light on the way. The steering wheel slipped in damp hands as I navigated the icey roads to my house.

I felt into my backpack on the passenger seat. There is always copious amounts of sugar there. At this very point in time I had 5 suckers, a full roll of glucose tabs, and a bite sized chocolate bar. I ate the bite sized chocolate bar.

While digging in my backpack, I felt the vinal case of my meter. "TEST!" Every instinct told me. But I was too focused on driving.

3 blocks from home. More red lights and a slow old man driver. Damn it. Slow driver causes me to hit another red light.

One my street. No cars- just stop signs now. Two to be exact. Drive...drive...drive.

I'm in my driveway now. I grab my bag. It's too heavy for me. I just want to drop it. The door feels heavy to shut too.

I make it in the garage. Oreos!!! I grab the roll of it, and head to the kitchen. Before even taking off my coat I start eating. Do I eat the oreos in my hand? Why no. I grab the diet coke and the hard boiled eggs in the fridge. Half a diet coke and 3 eggs later I start in on the oreos. Six oreos later I test- 39. Nice. I down a glass of milk, lay on my bed, and wake up two hours later.

Allison Got Me

2006-02-07T00:54:00.000-05:00

Four jobs I’ve had in my life:

Target
Babysitting
Camp Counselor
Tutor

Four movies I can watch over and over:
Chronicles of Narnia (saw it in theators twice, patiently awaiting April 4)
Father of the Bride 1 and 2
Parent Trap (reminds me of my favorite place- camp)
Runaway Bride

Four places I have lived:
Just NY

Four TV shows I love to watch:
ER
Strong Medicine (last week was the last episode :()
Late Night
Uhm...I think that's it

Four places I have been on vacation:
Brisbane Australia
Florida
Vermont
Ontario (family owns a vacation home there)

Four of my favorite foods:
Chicken Fingers (gosh I love those greasy things!)
Peanut Butter cups
M and Ms
Carrot sticks (honest)

Four websites I visit daily:
Blogs (I check my live bookmarks)
E-mail (I have several accounts, but we shall put them together for now)
CWD
Slickdeals.net

Four places I would rather be right now:
Camp
Vacation Home
College Graduation ;)
In Bed (which is where I am heading considering it is 1 am!).

Now I shall tag Skytor, Tommy , and Martha.

My All Time Favorite Geek Computer Things Part II

2006-02-03T20:17:00.000-05:00

I told Kerri awhile ago I was planning a part two to this, so without further ado, here we go. Just click on the title of an application to go to the page where it can be downloaded for free.

Yahoo! Widgets
Ever see Dashboard on an Apple computer running Tiger? Okay, this is basically just like that. If you haven't, this is one of the coolest new trends going for computers. It lets you easily see all kinds of info, like weather, sports scores, movie times, calendars, clocks, and to do lists on you computer desktop in the form of "widgets." Widgets are even cooler because you can change the way they look through opacity and color changes. Very cool. Works on Macs and Windows and previously known as Konfabulator.

Inkscape
This program I really have no use for. Many of you will also have no use for it. Many of you will have a good use for it, but anyway you slice it- I think it is super cool. Basically, it lets you draw stuff. It has shapes you can choose from, and you can alter their colors, form, size, and orientation to make them look however you want. It also lets you draw in your own stuff and add text bubbles. Sort of like a really hyped up version of paint. Availible for Linux, Macs, and Windows machines.

Session Saver
Okay. So I kind of cheated on this one. Why is that you may ask? Well, because this is not an application in and of itself. To use this, you must be using Firefox. Yet it has come in handy for me many times, so therefore it only seems right to mention it. What it does is it saves your online sessions. You can set it to either automatically pick up where you left off online every time you get off (if you ever get off ;)), or you can set it to only pick off where you left off if your system "crashes." So basically how it works is, you have 3 tabs and two windows open, one which you are typing a lengthy blog entry in. All of a sudden you get the dreaded message "Firefox is not responding and must be shut down. Select 'End Now.'" It's happened to all of us, but Oh No! your lovely blog entry you have been working on the past half hour. Have no fear, you installed Session Saver. Next time you start firefox, all the windows and tabs you had open are exactly as you left them, even down to your blog entry. I even had my power supply die once while I was typing an e-mail. When I got the new power supply working and powered up again, my e-mail was still there. Very cool.

Netscape 8.1
Firefox and Opera have a special place in my heart as my favorite browsers. However, Netscape 8.1 came out last week and deserves a looking at, especially if you visit sites that require you to be in IE a lot, or share one computer that doesn't allow setting up separate accounts with many people. Netscape lets you set up accounts on the browser and save passwords and info. That way you know your kids can't read your e-mail or buy something with your credit card, but you can still save your info so you don't have to type it in everytime. Also, you can set parental controls on different accounts, so you can rest assured your three year old can only visit pbs.org and nickjr.com. Finally, it lets you view pages like IE displays them or like Firefox displays them with a click of the button, making there be almost no reason to use IE. Only availiblke for Windows right now.

Trillian
Another Windows only program, this is an easy way to stay logged onto all your im'ing programs at once. It also manages away messages for all of them. It has some cool smilies, and it automatically logs all you conversations so you can see them later, though this can be turned off. You can add skins too. Definitely worth a look if you use im a lot.

If you liked this list and haven't seen the previous list yet, it can be found here.

Feel free to suggest other software utilities you like in the comments section. I love hearing what programs other people use.

Take a Deep Breath In

2006-01-29T16:55:00.000-05:00

Many blogs in the OC have mentioned inhaled insulin in their blogs, and this is even my second time bringing it up. Therefore, I hate to bring it up yet again, except for one thibg. I hear commonly amongst the bloggers that the news is doing a poor job presenting inhaled insulin. However, I found a new article that I think did a pretty good job balancing the pros and cons, so I thought I would share, even though you have all heard them by now. Enjoy!

Read the article here.

gerr....

2006-01-25T19:26:00.000-05:00

Why is it that some days such minor things annoy me? Mostly I think it is anger compiled over many weeks now. I am so annoyed about so many things. For one thing, I am on my fourth semester of college, and my third semester of commuting. I am going crazy. I am sooo sick of commuting. I am spending way more time with my family than I should be at my age. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family, but seriously, they drive me nuts sometimes. When I live at school, I can do my own thing. Here they get upset if I spend too much time on the computer, sleep in, or am gone longer than I said I would be. I turn 20 in a few weeks, and I just don’t want to deal with this anymore. And now their new thing is calling me a lier. This irks the hell out of me, because I despise lying, and I have NEVER lied to them. I forget to stop at the store, tell them I forgot, “LIER, you just don’t want to help.” I tell them it took me 45 minutes to get to school this morning. My sister #1 informs me I am a lier because it took me only 20 minutes yesterday when she came with me. First off, it was 1pm, not 8am, secondly, we left from a mall 20 minutes from my house, not home.

Now that it is snowing at, my commute annoys me even more. Something about staring at break lights for the first 45 minutes of your day is not good for you. And drivers are just stupid. I hate waking up early, and I figured out I could get up an hour later every morning if not for the damn commute. I’m busy, and freeing an hour and a half up of my time, sometimes more if I have to go in more than once, is appealing to say the least.

I also rarely see my friends living at home. I see the ones from school during classes, and maybe once a week outside classes, but the students living in the dorms see each other all the time.

Finally, the upperclassman dorms are nice. Really nice. I had issues last time I lived in the dorm, but they all revolved around my room mate, and next semester if I live there, I will be an upper classman, with my own room as part of the apartment.

My dad supports my decision to live on campus again, but my mom, quite frankly, is being a bitch about it. She says it’s a waste of money.

My other thing I’m upset about this evening in my sister. Sister #2. No matter what, I cannot get along with this kid. She is 13. Every time we have to spend more than 5 minutes together, we just scream at each other. She is 13. I know that age is tough, but she seriously comes across to me as the most selfish, lazy, bratty person I know. I know this sounds horrible, but she constantly talks about people at school saying things like, “I am cool, she is not cool, so I can’t talk to her. That girl, oh, we used to be friends, but she is a slut now. That person is UGLY.” I hate hearing her talk about other kids like this. And she always talks about how smart she is and says things to my parents like, “Don’t worry if those two are total failures, you still have me to make you proud.” She is lazy too. If she has to work too hard at something, she quits, or cries if she can’t quit. I am constantly driving her around, because she is too lazy to walk. She cried because I wouldn’t give her a ride to school this morning because I was late. Then she tattled, hours later, then said I brought it up again. She has this stupid holier than thou attitude about everything. She drives me nuts. Then this afternoon I was taking a nap, and got woken up to take her to the dentist. It is a mile away. Then I had to take her to church. Driving her around I will not miss.

Now I still have a test tomorrow to study for.

/rant

Quick Question

2006-01-22T02:39:00.000-05:00

What level do you treat a low at? I usually do at 65 during the day, but try to be around 100 at least before bed. I have seen some people treat anything below 90 as low. What do you do?

These Are a Few of My Favorite Things

2006-01-21T09:55:00.000-05:00

The title works better if you sing it sound of music style.

So we all know diabetes sucks. There's nothing new about that. I've seen the question asked "What is the worst thing about diabetes?" But really, why think about that, when you can think about what your favorite thing is? I'm torn on this one, because I have TWO favorite things about diabetes. How about that?

So my first favorite thing: gagetery. In case you can't tell yet...I will spell it out for you. I am a N-E-R-D. Now before you judge to harshly, I KNOW there are other nerds on here. I see you guys talking about the sets for the minimed pumps that will let you use luer lock sets. I also saw some other buzzing about how cool the mutliclix is. I have seen screen shots from software in other blogs. I will admit. I get excited over new diabetes products. I love my freestyle flash. I got the Ultrasmart just to try it. I am ecstatic that accu-chek invented the multiclix. I am getting the new software for my freestyle soon, and I can't wait. Yep, I'm a nerd.

The second thing, of course, is The OC. If not for diabetes, I couldn't enjoy this fine literary cluster.

So there you have it.

Copy Cat

2006-01-16T14:43:00.000-05:00

So I'm totally copying Allison on this, but hey, she told us too ;)

Post a comment, and I will reply with something nice about you. Then you can copy cat this into your blog too if you want.

Travel Time!

2006-01-07T16:45:00.000-05:00

Well, my last week of Winter break is upon me. And I get to spend it in Florida. I leave tomorrow. At 6:52am my flight departs. It is now 4:45. And I have just started packing. To help me cope with the huge amount of thoughts fluttering through my mind I made a list of things to do.

1. Replace meter battery. The low battery symbol on my Flash has been on for weeks now. It hasn't died yet, but I am sure it will on vacation. That's just the way things go.

2. Pack- duh!

3. Shave so I look half-way decent in shorts.

4. Do something with nails. If I am going to be wearing open toed shoes, something needs to change.

5. Put another lancet in my meter case, so I can at least pretend I may change the lancet sometime. Also make sure I have enough strips.

6. Add more music to my mp3 player for flight.

7. Make sure I have a half way decent low bs supply food.

8. Actually put on the f'ing id bracelet.

So far I have started packing, I got a manicure (but the pedicurist was not in, darn it), and I have taken care of the meter stuff. I am taking my multiclix, so I threw an extra drum in there. It amazes me that in the space of maybe two regular lancets, the drum holds 6. So by having a drum in the device, and one in the case, I have 12 lancets. A barely a sign of a needle (good for security, though I have never had a problem before). Anyone else amazed with this?

I am looking forward to my trip and a break from the snow, but at the same time, it means the end of break, and I am stressing about starting school again. I have a lot more books to buy too before school starts again. Oh well if I don't have them all the first day of school.

How Do You Do It?

2006-01-05T22:49:00.000-05:00

There are so many blogs in the OC! I like to try and keep up with what is going on with all of them, but that can be confusing to say the least.

I used to just look at all the links in the OC, or on a blog with a lot of links, but I found I was missing some, plus it was time consuming. So I looked into ways to make it easier. The result: I created a live bookmark for all the blogs I visit. In Firefox you can do this, and then using the RSS feed from the blog, I can just scroll through a list of blogs and see at a glance which ones have new posts.

So what is your way of keeping track of blogs?

My take on inhaled insulin

2006-01-03T22:17:00.000-05:00

I have seen quite a few posts recently surrounding inhaled insulin. I've posted my ideas about it in a few comments, but now a full fledged post about it will exist in my own blog.

I hate inhalers. I know inhalers. I have asthma. I have three inhalers plus two nebulizer solutions. I need to take them. I don't want to inhale insulin too. I want to pump insulin (I don't pump as of yet).

My concerns:

1. How the heck is it going to be dosed? Dosing insulin is a pain in the butt as it is. I need half units. Dosing asthma inhalers that have been around for years is still far from precise. Everyone I know takes a different dose of Lantus, Humalog, Novalog, etc, but with my one inhaler, Advair, there are three doses, 100/50, 250/50, and 500/50. Granted, you can change the amount of times you take it, but still not much flexibility. As far as another inhaler, albueterol, everyone I know who takes it takes teh same amount, 2 puffs as needed. Asthma inhalers are important, obviously, but there is much more danger in underdosing them than overdosing them. The answer? Asthma inhalers don't need to be precise. You take them, if they don't work, you up the dose, if you have to many side effects, you lower the dose or try a different one. I don't want to call it simple, because it is not, but there is not nearly the need for precision there is with insulin. .5 units of insulin is a big deal for me. I need to know that is how much I am getting, and there needs to be a mechanism to allow the person to control how much they take.

2. Accuracy of technique is another concern of mine. Non-asthmatics may not realize this, but you need to take an inhaler correctly for it to work. I didn't realize this for awhile, but I took my inhaler incorrectly, swallowing much of my dose, for the first few weeks taking it. I kept needing to go back to the doctors office for nebulizer treatments, then buy my own nebulizer. I realized I was swallowing a lot of my dose. No, that does not happen much anymore, but still, it was not fun when it did happen. Also, how much of a dose I get varies a lot on how deep I breath in. Varying doses and insulin = not good.

3. Inhalers aren't small. This is a minor issue, but my purse is full! I have my wallet, keys, meter, pens, check book, insulin, syringe, glucose, granola, and inhaler in there. Believe it or not, a vial of insulin and syringe take up less room than an inhaler, and the insulin inhaler pictures I have seen are bigger than asthma inhalers.

4. Lung damage. Of course this has been mentioned repeatedly, but I already have less than perfect lungs that already have to deal with 3 inhalers, two of them steroid inhalers. I can't imagine my lungs taking one more inhaler. Plus, it doesn't seem like steroids and insulin would mix well.

So in short, insulin inhalers may get a niche later on, but right now, I feel it has too many concerns for me to be even remotely excited by the prospect.

I've been tagged

2005-12-31T17:30:00.000-05:00

Nicole tagged me to share five random facts.

1. I hate shopping. I really do. I can't stand going to the mall. I avoid it at costs. I have failed as a girl. Fortunately, I have a sister who looks out for me who loves shopping, so I usually look decent. :)

2. I'm going to school to be a nurse practitionar. It's a 5 year program, so in three short years I will be an NP (hopefully).

3. I have to younger sisters, who so far, are both healthy.

4. I love camping. I do it as often as possible, which usually means a few times during the winter (in a cabin), most of the summer (I still get summer break ;)), and several weekends in Spring and Fall.

5. My dad has type 2 diabetes, and totally does not take care of himself, which fraustrates the hell out of me.

And now I get to tag people. Sorry if someone else tagged you, but it is getting confusing, so I will just be checking to make sure you have not posted 5 random facts yet, not so much that you have not been tagged, though I won't tag you if I know someone else tagged you.

Elizabeth at Diabetes 24-7

Skytor at Dia-gonal

Ryan Bruner

Kelsey, at the Diabetes Diary

and

Supermom, at Butterfly Kisses and Bedtime Prayers.

My All Time Favorite Geek Computer Things

2005-12-29T23:43:00.000-05:00

Friends, it is time I exposed you to my geek side. Yes, I have a geek side. A pretty hard core geek side. And now you shall see it, and possibly share in my geekiness. What an opportunity this is for you.

And without further ado- my favorite free computer things.

Firefox- This is the web browser I use. If you haven't already discovered it, it's pretty darned amazing. The pop up blocker is great, and it's fast. It also has tabbed browsing, so it's easy to go back and forth between pages. My favorite feature though is it's security. I get almost no spyware.

Opera- This browser is as good as firefox. Also fast, secure, and tabbed browsing enabled, Opera has it's fans. Opera is also highly customizable. I use both, but prefer Firefox merely through personal preference.

Supertux- This has been the demise of more of my time than I dare to think about. This is basically a highly addictive game the is similar to Super Mario Brothers. If you do not have free time, step away from the link!

TuxRacer- Another highly addicting waste of time. This game features the same Tux we met last game, however, instead of jumping on bombs to rescue his girlfriend, this time he is racing down hills.

OpenOffice
- Now that there is a good chance I have turned you on to two very addicting games, and encouraged you to spend more time online, I shall encourage productivity. This is basically a free kick-butt office suite that recently released version 2.0.

Gmail For some reason it would not surprise me in the least if many of you bloggers were already using this. This is an awesome e-mail service from Google. It has a very nice user interface, and some pretty cool features, including a new mobile service, which I used to check my e-mail during a recent camping trip, virus scanning, an RSS feeds right on the website. RSS feeds can enable you to check up on your favorite blogs at the same time as checking your e-mails. Don't let the beta scare you.

Well, I am sure I will think of more later, so we may be having a part 2, but for now, it's bed time.

Bad Day for Technology Here

2005-12-22T21:33:00.000-05:00

So today my Inspiron 5150 (yes, I know it is notorious for PSU problems) died. I was just typing, and off it went. Power just cut out. I tried to turn it back on- no luck. Hours later I tried again. Then it worked- for about 5 minutes. Then total death again. Okay, time to call Dell. Thank God it is under warranty. The lady I talked to- what an idiot. My gosh. I told her my computer will not power on. So what does she ask? "Can you get online?" No dumbass, my computer will not do anything. She asked me this three times. So we continue on some further excersises in futitlity. Does my CD drive work? Well, it did. Does my monitor work. Uhm...no. So she tells me to clean out my fan. Right... She keeps telling me it's an OS problem and I just need to reinstall my OS. As calmly as possible I tell them I can't install anything, the farking computer won't power on, and that I have seen plenty of "OS problems" and this was not it. To get her off my case I simply told her a live cd didn't work either.

An hour later I get transferred up. She has me take out my optical drive, hard drive, wireless card, RAM, and modem. After taking out each item I have to try powering it on.

Well, she tells me it's a MOBO problem (I told them at the beginning the problem was likely PSU). Their solution? Next week I get a box, then I can send it too their center (I asked where it is, she doesn't know), and maybe three weeks later I will have a computer that works.

I'm a little pissed.

To make matters worse, my sister got home from work today, parked my mom's car she was using. Then she tried to start it. It didn't start. So my dad replaced the battery. Still no luck. So he jumped it with another car. Then the lights started flashing, the windows went up and down. and the doors locked and unlocked. It still won't start.

Friends, it was a bad day for technology in my house.

A Little Rant...

2005-12-18T12:45:00.000-05:00

...About a couple things. Hope I don't end up complaining too much ;)

I also want to use this post to wish everyone a happy one-week-till-Christmas-day!

Firstly in the rant department, my c-peptide. C-peptide is a test used to show how much insulin your pancreas is producing naturally. The normal range is .5-2.0, or some labs use 3.0 as the top mark. Before this diabetes stuff, mine was 5.9. Clearly, double or triple the normal range. Typically this would mean insulin resistance, or type 2 diabetes. However, I was neither. My blood sugars normally ranged with highs in the 50s. Clearly too low. The diagnosis was clearly clear as hyperinsulinemic hpoglycemia.

But that was then.

Then the blood sugars were high. And the new c-peptide- .3. In the year between the two lab draws my c-peptide became a fraction of what it was. Now, this result is in the type 1 diabetes range. But alas, not that simple in my case. So the question becomes, what type am I? I don't know whether I have insulin antibodies or not, and that isn't accurate all the time anyways. I do not have the body of a type 2 person, I am not overweight, nor am I old. Or even close to old, thank you very much. However, type 2 runs in my family. Though I must confess to being the only person I know, or ever knew that had hyperinsulinemic hypoglycemia.

The c-peptide fraustrates the heck out of me because .3 is low enough to need supplemental insulin (though apparently not all the time), but also high enough to show my pancreas is still plugging along- some. .3 also means my pancreas does spurts, like what likely happened during my crazy lows.

So this is either LADA or a honeymoon, but either way, it's here for good, and apparently, the c-peptide is only gonna drop. But maybe it will be easier when I don't have to worry about my pancreas kicking in once in awhile?

As far as blood sugars are conscerned, I have reduced the insulin to prevent lows. This works okay most of the time, but then there were a few concerning numbers: the first day I pulled a 429, a 467, and then two 600s. So back up went the insulin dose. Next day was good, but I had a few 50s. Granted, still better than the 20s. So I pulled the dose back just a little more (half a unit less). That brought me to now. Seems to be doing okay. On that dose I had a 190, and a 218, but oh well, I also had a 100! So I think that is as good as it's gonna get.

Moving on to my second "little rant." Even though I was recently dx'ed, I have been using a meter since before then. I got the Freestyle Flash because it has the lights, is small, and you get the free data cable to upload results to the computer. Well, the software has been recalled since AUGUST. Still no new version. Gerr... And then to add to my fraustrations, the website STILL says they have software to go with it. Talk about false advertising! I'm seriously considering switching to Lifescan, so I can use their software.

Just Thought I Would Share with Everyone

2005-12-15T23:22:00.000-05:00

That finals are officially over! I am on break! No more school till mid January!

Glucagon Fun for Everyone

2005-12-12T17:23:00.000-05:00

Prior to this week, I have used glucagon once. This week changed that.

Monday evening started out with a blood sugar of 56 after dinner. Okay, no biggy. Didn't even feel low. So I had some crackers and juice. Tested again 20 minutes later. Hmm...not coming up. Drank more juice. Another 15 minutes later, I was all the way a up to 60. More food. Again, sitll not coming up, actually, going down. Not so good. Even worse is that I am home alone. In the basement. Luckily, smart me, brought down what should have been more than sufficient carbs with her the first time she tested low. I start in on the glucose. I eat 8 tabs. Yuck! I hate that stuff. But me thinks this is best for me. I test again in 20 minutes. 34. Geez. What the heck. More juice this time. Seeing as I have been low for almost 2 hours now, I am now feeling low. Very low. So more food. Fast forward another hour and a half, and my blood sugar is 26, and I am vomiting my head off. My eating is worthless, and I'm about to pass out. Glucagon time. I grab the kit, and damn, I can't get the needle to poke through the vial. It's not going through. Persistant as I am, it's not going through. Remove safty cap, idiot. Righto. That piece of plastic. Okay, remove that. NOW it works. Right. I think so clearly when I am low. 50 units of glucagon shoots me up to 147. Yay!

The week did not improve from there. Next day I wake up 80, and that was my highest reading of the day. I continue the vomiting thing, vomiting everyday this week.

Luckily, I refill my glucagon right away. Knowing that using glucagon puts you at increased risk of lows after using it, since glycogen stores are depleated, I am careful to keep my bs up. Unfortunately, my stomach disagrees with this plan of action, and the vomiting continues. This makes it hard to stay up.

Friday night, I worked, then came home. Tested at 60 after work. Okay, food time. Unfortunately, my body and I experienced a repeat of Monday night. No food in the world will get my bs up. What the heck? After 4 hours of futily eating, and a whole half gallon of OJ later, my body rejects all the carbs I offered, and I once again find myself over the toilet (actually, the kitchen sink- I couldn't find the bathroom). After vomiting, my blood sugar is 32. Okay, might as well use glucagon. Right through my pants, into my thigh, I shot up 50 units, which, earlier this week, was more than enough, I continue dropping once again. Okay, 50 more goes into my abdomen. This gets me all the way to 80. Okay, that works. I go to bed, and wake up low that night after a crazy dream, but luckily, food worked that time.

The whole week has been hell. I just don't get it. Normally all the food I ate would leave me at 500. Why didn't it seem to effect my bs this time? Well, besides the fact that I threw most of it up. Whatever. Thank God for glucagon, I just wish those syringes were a little sharper!

Hope everyone elses' weeks were better.

But I'm Not Depressed...

2005-12-10T02:27:00.000-05:00

I keep hearing how diabetes and depression go together. Maybe I am a weirdo (or maybe I am just a newly dx'd person who is in the midst of their honeymoon), but I rarely find myself getting down about diabetes (note to readers- new to diabetes, not new to bs problems). I mean, yeah, it sucks majorly at times. Monday i was up half the night treating a low, my fingers look like hell, and there is a whole slew of complication thoughts running through my head. But oh my, it could be so much worse. It's Christmas time, and on the news they show kids at our nearny children's hospital getting gifts from volunteers- I am not in the hospital. During my childhood years I have spent many a day in that very hospital, but my goodness, I have never had to be there for the holidays. I have a friend who was just diagnosed with a deadly illness that will slowly take away each part of his physical body, leaving only his mind left. Diabetes? Yep, I'll take it.

Do I get tired of it? Yes. Can I deal with it? Hell yeah.

One thing about diabetes is it never ceases to amaze me how your thought train adapts to it. I think this is true for all chronic illnesses though. For my non-d sisters, if they have a headache, they pop a few pills. Me it's more like:

a. Drink water- you must be dehydrated
b. Test- you may be low/high
c. Test again an hour later- you may be dropping/rising
d. Then take drug if other causes ruled out
e. Take nap to cure headache- but not too long, wouldn't want to miss a bs test

Sometimes I think about the future. Will I be at my wedding bolusing for cake? Will I risk passing out from a hypo during my kid's christening? Will I have kids?

I have no idea for any of those, but someone told me to take it one day at a time- and that is all you can do. So for now, it's "What do I have to do today?" Jump the hurdle ahead- not the one down the field.

Some More about Me- and other random ramblings

2005-12-09T13:06:00.000-05:00

Like I said in my last post, before I got diabetes I had hyperinsulinemic hypoglycemia. I had symptoms of this my whole life, ranging from shaking to the point where I couldn't carry anything, so not being able to tell my mom what I was watching on TV one night before dinner. When I was 14 I passed out cold at school. The nurse sent me home, saying I couldn't come back to school before I saw a doctor. So off to the doctor I went, expecting to be told something like, "Drink more water." Not so much the case, they did a blood sugar test, and it was 48. I felt fine then. So they gave me a meter and told me to call in daily with my readings. I did- they ranged from LO to 50-something has my highest. I was sent to an endocrinologist, where I had a slew of tests. An A1c of 4.0 and c-peptides, proinsulin, and insulin levels three times normal were found. I was told this would either go away, or I would run out of insulin since there was no way this could continue. I was given a glucagon kit (and I've used it twice) and sent to a dietician, who taught me the rule of 15s for lows (15 grams carb, wait 15 minutes, test again, repeat as necessary), and a CDE, who basically taught me how to use my meter (I got a new one at the appointment) and how to use glucagon.

Fast forward 6 years to now. Diabetes was no surprise. I knew the symptoms, and I was noticing them in myself. Constant thirst, fatigue, and getting up three times a night to use the bathroom. So I did what any rational person would do- I threw the meter is a drawer and stopped testing. What you don't know can't hurt you- right?

But the symptoms appeared more and more. So I decided to test. "HI" read the result. What the heck? That was fast! I look up HI in my manual, since this is a new one on me, and there it is- "Test result over 600." Wow, I spent years of my life rarely seeing over 100, now this.

Obsessed, I then tested more than ever. Well it did not stay over 600, in the first week alone I had 5 results over 600, 2 in the 500s, 1 in the 400s, none in the 300s, at least 20 in the 200s, and just 1 under 200. So I call up not-so-faithful endo (I hate my endo and try and avoid going there as often as possible). On September 29, I was dx'ed with diabetes. She determines I am honeymooning and don't need insulin at the moment. Whatever. So at the moment, I am not on insulin, but boy I wish I was! It actually amazes me I have lasted this long without insulin. I may sound crazy, but I would love more than anything to be insulin. I just hate constant highs and not being able to do anything. I would also feel so much better. Right now my bs seems somewhat normal though- running 200 to 300. I am in the process of looking for a new endo. As far as type is concerned- the current suspicion is LADA.

Changing subjects-
I went grocery shopping yesterday. I was shopping for my whole family, so I had a ton of food in my cart. Usually my food in my cart looks pretty healthy. However, yesterday, this was not the case. I was following my mom's list, and had a cart o' carbs. At one point in time I had 5 brownie mixes, a bunch of rice, and 7 cake mixes (my sister is in the cake business- okay?) in my cart. Yeah. And I couldn't help but think, "I would hate to run into my endo now." Or even anyone that knows I have diabetes.

I also had to go to the eye doctor yesterday to pick up a trial pair of contacts, since I had dropped my last contact on the floor (note to self- turn on light to take out contacts) and hadn't noticed it was missing till the next morning, at which point it was unselvedgable. I hadn't had a contact eye exam in two years, officially disqualifying me from being able to get my contact script refilled, and insurance will pay for a new exam in January. Thankfully they agreed to give me a pair to get me through till then, cause I hate glasses! At that appointment I get to tell my eye doc I have diabetes. Now that is something I look forward to- not!

Thanks for commenting on my blog, those who did. I look forward to getting involved with the O.C. (I love that name! Reminds me of a TV show of something).

Intro

2005-12-08T19:44:00.000-05:00

Well, blogging is something I never thought I would be into. I tried once and it was not something that I enjoyed. The idea of an online diary (which is basically what a blog is- right?) seems kinda weird to me. But recently I found a series of blogs about diabetes, and since I found out I have diabetes in September, I figured I would try my hand at it again. We'll see how it goes, no promises.

Anyways, while I was dx'ed with diabetes in September, I had a condition called hyperinsulinemic hypoglycemia my whole life before then. My pancreas spazed out and created too much insulin my whole life, till it up and ran out of insulin this year. Oh joy. So I am no stranger to blood sugar tests, carb counting, or low blood sugars, but this high blood sugar stuff is new ;)